I’m Kent Wayne: Space cowboy.
(And some of the time, a Man Whore.)
(Okay—most of the time.)
(All of the time.)
The year’s 5082. I’ve stopped at the Omniquantum Bar and Grill to take a well-deserved break on my interstellar cattle drive through the Small Magellanic Cloud. A few millennia ago, humans used to herd actual cows across the plains. Now it’s tardigrades. In the year 3429, those tough little water bears grew from microscopic organisms into full-blown space-bulls, courtesy of an interdimensional invasion where a damn fool wizard named Speculo tried to enslave all of humanity. The resulting energies from his psionic assault were nothing short of epic; they transformed the world as we knew it, to include the changing of some animals—previously microscopic—into lumbering beasts.
Now that may sound scary, but wrangling ’grades ain’t so bad. Kinda lonesome, but you get used to it. And I can’t say that the long drives across the imaginal tesser-fields don’t have their upside. You ever seen a quasar up close? Nothing to sneeze at, lemme tell ya.
You’re probably wondering how I manage to survive in the inhospitable vacuum of Universe 943 Alpha. (That’s ours and there’re plenty of others, in case you’re wondering.) The answer dates back to the war we had with Speculo; afterwards, we back-engineered his constructs and came to the conclusion that human beings were nothing more than ideas transmitted through temporary configurations of light and matter. Who’da thunk it, right?
(I go into that in Echo 4. 😉 )
So long story short, we figured out how to skirt physics. Back when they had movies, you’d see some priestly fella going on about how magic powers required years of training in some high-up temple, where they’d eventually lead you into a back-room and you’d have ta suck that fella’s liver-spotted cock or some such. Naw—all it requires is a shift in perspective. Easy-peasy, when you get right down to it.
After the war, we built the Tesseract Railway: a space-fold network that allows us to travel through the universe without having to bow to old-fashioned concepts like general relativity or the luminal speed limit. It ain’t as fancy as it sounds; when you’re on it, it’s like walking on a glowing bridge where you can see the stars rush by.
Not trynna downplay it—some of my most peaceful moments have been on the Big Glow, as we cowboys call it. Ain’t nothing better than pushing a bunch of ’grades, watching the last gasps of a dying supergiant, or two black holes that are merging together. It’s pretty tiring, though—sometimes these old bones need a break. The trail’s long, and the vacuum’s cold.
Which is why I’ve stopped at a well-known asteroid, where I’ve taken a seat at my favorite stool in Omniquantum Bar and Grill. My good friend Marjorie is flipping a burger, turning up the heat to throw a little sear on the edges. She knows just how to do it: medium-rare, with a little bit of crisp.
Suddenly, the saloon doors burst inward. Three body-builder Bros tromp into the grill and slap leather. I reach back and push Marjorie down with my right hand, while pulling my six-chamber concept-revolver with my left.
“Get outta here Marjorie! Git!” While I keep my eyes on the body-builder Bros, I can hear her crawling across the deck. Hinges creak behind me and I feel a wave of relief; she’s just gone into the kitchen, where she’ll be safe from gunfire.
One of them cocks his head and pokes his pistol at my face, turning it sideways like Andrew Lincoln in the Walking Dead. “You think you could have torrid sex with our moms and get away with it, Kent? Scum like you think you can just fling your sperm every which way and not pay a price! Well that ain’t how things work, hombre—yer ’bout to pay in SPADES!”
“Before we do this, let me say something.”
The guy turns his head, spits, and locks eyes with me. “What?”
“They begged me to make love to their faces and their butts. And I was happy to oblige.”
“AAAAHHH!!!” The three Bros start blasting away and I fire back, scuttling sideways as I fan the hammer of my light-woven revolver. I pull my other one and keep scuttling, shooting at ’em with a mix of tautological ordnance and Boolean buckshot. As I run dry I leap over the counter and take cover, pulling a two-shot derringer from my right ankle-holster.
“Cease fire!” The lead Bro yells. “Cease fire!”
The fragrant smell of gunsmoke wafts through the air. The Bro calls, “Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Tell you whut—come on out and we’ll make it quick.”
“No thanks,” I call back. “I’ve still got a card up my sleeve; y’all best leave before I play it.”
They respond with a series of derisive hoots. “Well go on and play that card, ya dirty mother seducer! I got a few cards myself—they’re about to blow through yer weaselly little chest!”
So I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Two fistfuls of rice appear in my hands. I jump up from my hiding spot and chuck them into the air, catching a glimpse of the tiny grains as they arc across the saloon, then duck back down as the Bros try to ventilate me with a vicious barrage.
An instant later, I hear the bodybuilder Bros scream, “CARBS! RUN FER YER LIVES!!!”
And that, good friends, is how Kent Wayne, Space Cowboy, escaped the wrath of a trio of bodybuilder Bros. And that time I made love to their gorgeous mothers?
Well that’s a story for another day. 😉
Are you an intergalactic lone wolf, carving out a simple life in the harsh wilds of the universal vacuum? Yeah—me too! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition I’m starting a podcast: Logical Idiots! If you want to check out the trailer, see it here: Logical Idiots Trailer and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting! 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, upcoming podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜
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