“YOU’RE SURROUNDED WAYNE! THERE’S NO ESCAPE!”
I peek out the window and glimpse a flashing barricade of police cars, all bristling with armed officers, leveling their sidearms in my direction.
“YOU’VE GOT THE WRONG GUY!” I scream. “I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING TO—”
“APRIL 16TH, 2017. YOU’D WORN EXTRA TIGHT BOOTY SHORTS AND MANAGED TO SEDUCE A TRIO OF SOCCER MOMS WITH YOUR THICK DICK PRINT. WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT, WAYNE?”
What happened after that? I led them back to my pizza box-infested hovel and made sweet, sweet love to their faces and butts. I’m not sure what this jackbooted yahoo is talking about, but I sure as hell don’t see a problem with—
“AFTER THEY FELL ASLEEP, YOU HOTBOXED THEM. YOU DREW THE COVERS OVER THEIR HEADS AND DOUSED THEM WITH A RANK CLOUD OF ASS, YOU SICK FUCK. THEY HAD TO UNDERGO EMERGENCY MEDICAL TREATMENT, AND SPENT SIX MONTHS LEARNING HOW TO WALK AGAIN.”
Oh my God—it wasn’t intentional; I must have done it in my sleep!
“THEIR INABILITY TO WALK HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH MY BUTTHOLE!” I protest. “THAT HAPPENS TO 79.3459% OF ALL WOMEN WHO MAKE LOVE TO KENT WAYNE!”
“WE’VE BEEN ORDERED TO BEAT YOU WITH STICKS AND PUT YOU TO WORK AS A GRAMMAR NAZI! GIVE YOURSELF UP, DIRTBAG!”
“LIKE HELL!” I shout. “TELL THOSE LADIES I’M SORRY, BUT I’M NOT GOING TO USE MY WRITING POWERS TO ENFORCE A GUT-CHURNINGLY FOUL SERIES OF CONSTRAINTS UPON THE LITERARY SPIRIT!”
And then I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The three soccer moms that rode me like a pony materialize in a bright fusillade of radiance. As they walk toward me, I cringe in fear.
“I didn’t mean to!” I screech. “PLEASE DON’T—”
“Kent.” The lead soccer mom cuts me off with a raised hand. “You’ve been falsely accused—you would never hotbox us after we gifted you with the privilege of making sweet, sweet love to our faces and our butts.”
I peek cautiously through my quivering fingers. “So I didn’t…I didn’t…”
She nods reassuringly. “You’re not a monster. They’re just trying to make you work as a Grammar Nazi. Let’s get you out of here, huh?”
“But we’re completely surrounded. How are we going to—”
“HUP!” One of them slings me over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes. The other runs to a corner of the room and rips the tarp off a trio of fully kitted out, futuristic motorcycles. They all mount up and start revving the throttles. Vmmmm! VVVV-VVVV-VVVVVMMMM!!!! As the roar of horsepower fills the air, I revert to my Man Child ways and make loud zoomie sounds with my mouth. The soccer mom who’s holding me looks over shoulder and arches an eyebrow.
“Don’t do that.”
“Yes, ma’am,” I meekly reply.
And then we go blazing into the night, breaking past the police barricade and racing off into a secret soccer mom hideout, where much love was made to many a face and a plethora of rumps!
The adventures of Kent Wayne—sci fi author and consummate Man Whore—continue! 😀
Are you being framed by secret evil forces who seek to make you work for them as a soul-deadened Grammar Nazi? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition I’m starting a podcast: Logical Idiots! If you want to check out the trailer, see it here: Logical Idiots Trailer and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting! 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, upcoming podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜
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