“FIND HIM! BRING HIM TO ME!” Justin Bieber slashes the air with a gauntleted hand.
Unbeknownst to him I’m directly below his feet, quivering beneath the gridded metal deck on his Imperiex War Ship. He’s used this engine of destruction to cow every major government that’s native to Earth; the only ones still resisting are a few of us ragtag rebels.
“Yes milord.” His Belieber in Chief, Kaelee Dunfield, rises off her knee and thumps a tattoo-slashed fist over her heart. Her pigtails whirl through the air as she turns on her heel and strides purposefully away, beckoning to her war-hardened lieutenants: Allie Powalski and Trystan Simmons.
Justin folds his hands behind his back. His chaos-magicked eyes smolder from the recesses of his chitinous armor. “You cannot escape, Wayne,” he rumbles. “I will violate your anus with an assortment of extremely misshapen garden sculptures. NO ONE makes fun of my one-inch penis and lives to tell about it.”
As his metal-booted feet clink inches above my head, I squeeze my eyes tightly shut and stifle a frightened whimper. I couldn’t leave well enough alone; my treacherous fingers had to write a funny story about the diminutive size of this boy-elf’s wiener, even though I knew full well he was in possession of arcane powers beyond my comprehension. Just like I knew full well that having spicy sausage for lunch would—
—be the death of me. God DAMMIT!
The Dark Lord Bieber recoils in disgust. “WHO DARES TO ASSAULT ME WITH RANCID FLATULENCE???” He looks down, and I see his eyes narrow into thin red slits.
“Kent Wayne, you disgusting oaf. Did you truly think you’d kill me with your brown thunder?”
Twin trails of tears stream down my face. “PLEASE!” I scream. “I wasn’t trying to kill you! I just had too many spicy sausages for lu—”
“SILENCE!” Bieber waves his arm, telekinetically ripping up the grate and sending it flying to his right. He curls his fingers, levitating me up with a Dark Side Force-choke. I clutch at my neck, gagging as I float into the air, rendered helpless by his eldritch powers.
“Any last words?” He curls his fingers a little tighter, filling my vision with buzzy blotches.
I’m out of options. So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Taylor Swift busts through the hull, surfing toward me on a magic-imbued, skull-festooned guitar. She chucks a spicy sausage at me and it sails end over end, right into my mouth. GALUMPH! I unleash a fresh bung-blast of sausage-borne flatulence, causing Justin to lose control of the Force-choke. As he staggers back, swearing viciously and waving the air to dispel my fart, Taylor Swift leaps off the guitar and it comes flying toward me. I snatch it mid-flight and she yells:
“Give him hell, Kent!”
My fingers take on a life of their own, shredding the guitar like a motherfucking pro. The eyes on its skulls glow sickly green, and tiny barbarians emerge from its nooks and crannies, standing tall on its neck and howling in triumph. MenemeneMEH! MenemeneMEH! The onslaught of metal is too much for the boy-elf Bieber. He drops to his knees, screaming in agony as the fibers of his being start to discohere.
“DAMN YOU WAYNE! DAMMMMNNNNN YOOOUUUUuuuu—”
I grab Taylor around the waist and we sprint through the hole she made when she busted through the hull. For a timeless moment we fall through the sky…then she shoves her tongue into my mouth, tickling my tonsils with a greedy kiss. Right before we hit the ground the guitar reassumes its role as a magic flying surfboard. We both soar into the sunset, making out like sex-crazed teenagers who’re about to defile an unattended set of high school gym bleachers.
Ha HA! The adventures of Kent Wayne—sci fi author and Taylor Swift-bagging metal-monster—continue! 😀
Are you being hounded by a pop-star-turned-tyrant? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, upcoming podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜
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