As my fellow adventurers—three highly trained Elven Bladesingers—trod down the path on their enchanted mounts, I lean off my horse and slap the shoulder of the one closest to me with the back of my hand.
“So I show this Elf-mom my piece and she’s all like: ‘Breath of Lilthia! Those art the most prodigious veins I have ever laid eyes on! And the head! ’Tis like a divine mushroom cultivated from the thrice-blessed fields of the Undying Lands!’ Man, I don’t know if you guys have a waterpark around here, but I’m telling you, her panties were like—”
Eldulas Thornstorm cuts me off with a ferocious glare. “Still your loutish tongue, Kent Wayne! We give you safe haven, and THIS is how you repay us? By regaling us with the lowest of tales, day in and day out? Your ribaldry is an assault upon our ears and our souls! Now speak of other matters, lest I l teach you a lesson with the flat of my blade!”
I cast my eyes down, and my shoulders slump. “Sorry,” I mutter. “It’s not like I hit on them—they come to my chamber after the sun goes down and start rubbing up on my—”
“ENOUGH!” Eldulas flares. “STILL THY TONGUE, DAMN YOU!”
I fall silent and we continue clopping along. Eldulas’s anger is a palpable thing; I can see it in the tense set of his shoulders and jaw, and the way he rides ramrod straight—like he’s got a big ol’ summer sausage crammed up his turd cutter. His outburst has affected everyone in the party; instead of the usual chit-chat about what magic items we might scrounge up, or who can hit more bullseyes, the Elves continue riding along in hushed quiet.
Eventually, one of the younger ones—a guy named Rilden—ventures, “Kent, who was the fairest Elf-mother you ever entertained in the rumple of your bedsh—”
“HALT!” Eldulas pulls on his reins, and draws his longsword in a swift, violent stroke. The scrape of metal on scabbard rings through the air. He levels the tip right at my eyes. “If you value your life, do not answer him.” Then he turns to the other two, sputtering, “Why would you encourage this…this…Man WHORE? He disgraces our forest with his unquenchable member! We are Heilali Elves, not brutish Orcs! Keepers of hallowed magics and sanctified relics!”
Rilden rubs the back of his neck, glancing awkwardly off to the side. “Eldulas…it is all well and good to listen to harp music and feast on fairy-wafers…but it gets boring after awhile. Of late, I find myself attracted to the baser pleasures of the flesh. Kent Wayne seems to be quite an expert in such matters, and I cannot imagine it would hurt to—”
“To mate like common swine, grunting and screaming as if you’d been run through by a poleaxe?” Eldulas’s almond-shaped eyes widen in outrage. “What are you THINKING, Rilden?”
The other guy, a bowman named Filathiel, enviously mutters: “I’ve mated a few times, but neither I nor my companion screamed as if we were dying. It sounds like fun.”
“IT IS UNBECOMING!” Eldulas yells. He points at me with a quivering finger. “THIS MAN WHORE HAS BROUGHT NOTHING BUT UNCOUTH BARBARISM INTO OUR—”
At that moment, the skies darken with bat-winged silhouettes. One of them swoops low, and I catch a glimpse of a bespectacled, testosterone-deprived humanoid snatching Eldulas off his steed and carrying him into the air. He tries to swing at it with his sword, but it lets go, and as he plummets through the air, two more nerdy-ass gargoyle-men dart past him, scoring deep gashes across his torso with their talons. When he hits the ground, he’s already dead.
“GRAMMAR NAZIS!” I scream. “THEY’VE FOLLOWED ME INTO YOUR REALM—RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES!”
Rilden and Filathiel snap the reins on their mounts and we all charge down the path. The Grammar Nazis swoop in close, assaulting our minds with nagging reminders to avoid sentence fragments, as well as asinine facts about the Oxford Comma. It’s just a matter of time before they pick us off.
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“Get ready for a Destructo-cock, +5 against Grammar Nazis, +3 against all other enemies!” I cry.
Then I stand up from my saddle and back-flip through the air, knocking out a diving Grammar Nazi with my roaring dickhead as it slices free from my tunic. Before I land, I twist into a barrel-roll, grabbing my cock mid-length down its shaft and chucking it skyward. It wraps around the throat of a Grammar Nazi, causing the gargoyle-thing to clutch desperately at its cock-bound neck while loping through the air with hitching flaps. As I gain height and speed, I wait until the fucker I’m hanging on to is equidistant from its jerkoff buddies, and—HYAH!—twist my hips, sending him crashing into the rest of his small-dicked companions. Pained caws fill the air as battered Grammar Nazis fly every which way. When they begin to flee, I uncoil my dick with a snap of my wrist and drop to the ground. I circle it twice around my waist, then knot it squarely around my right thigh, which is where I usually keep it.
Rilden and Filathiel ride up to me, their eyes wide with amazement. “That was amazing,” Rilden exclaims. “Can you teach us how to do that?”
I put my hands on my hips, and give them a proud grin. “Not really—it’s kind of like a superpower. But seeing as I’ve got my hands full with all these Elven moms, maybe you’d like to score some side-ass. How’s that sound?”
They exchange a look, then nod eagerly.
And so I taught these two mighty warriors the Way of the Man Whore. We formed an acapella group in which we all made funny raps, and accompanied them with ’70s porn music noises.
Man Whore Perpetuum! 😀
Is some uptight fighter/mage/thief giving you shit because he’s pissed off that you’re getting more ass than he is? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, upcoming podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜
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