Mrrghhh…time for me to wake up and—what the jeebus???
As I try to get out of bed, I realize I’m bound to my futon by a quartet of restraints. I strain mightily against the ropy bonds, but to no avail. I’m stretched out like I’m about to be drawn and quartered. Who would do this? What kind of diabolical sick-hole would—
A cylindrical shadow stretches across my chest. I look toward its source and see a 10-inch tall, curved silhouette backlit by the morning sunlight.
“Hello, Kent. My name is Banana One.”
I try to conceal my astonishment as the living banana folds its small, fibrous hands behind its back and paces toward me on stalk-like legs.
“What do you want?” I try to keep my voice from shaking. “How is this even possible?”
Banana One expresses a dry, sarcastic chuckle. “Did you seriously think that using the reality-distortion mechanism tied to your eReader would be without consequence? Every time you open it to Echo, you bend the very fabric of existence itself. It was only a matter of time before some of its power began to affect your surroundings, and grant inanimate objects sentience and mobility.” He waves a hand down the length of his body. “Hence my current predicament.”
“Predicament?” I sputter. “I’M the one that’s tied up! Why have you—”
Banana One pats my hog a single time, murmurs, “Magnificent,” and clambers onto my hips. He looks me in the eye with his plant-borne optics. “You pretend you’re an ape on a regular basis—you hoot and gibber while galloping through your studio on all fours, eating copious amounts of bananas.” For a brief moment, his face tightens with rage. “MY brethren, Kent. At some point you must have realized the damage you were doing.” He scoffs in seeming disgust. “Apes don’t eat bananas as a part of their natural diet, you uninformed dunce.”
My face turns red as I flex and writhe, straining to rip my arms free of these goddamned ropes. “ ‘The damage I was—’ you’re a FUCKING BANANA! How was I supposed to know that—”
Banana One shakes his head in apparent regret. “We could have been friends, Kent—you could have let us be. Instead, it has come to this.”
“Come to what?” A note of fear enters my voice. “Look man, you don’t have to—”
Banana One claps his hands. Three other bananas climb onto the lip of my futon. Two of them grab hold of the third, hoisting him up to chest level, and turn him horizontal so his stem is leveled directly at my anus.
Banana One turns back to me, grinning maliciously. “Your ass is ours, Kent. So to speak.”
My eyes widen in terror. “Wait—you don’t have to do this. That hole is exit only, bro—exit ooonlNYAAAAGGGHHH!!!”
The breach team rushes forward, intent on turning my neatly puckered dirt star into a prolapsed gaper. At the exact moment they attempt insertion, I tense my squat-thickened cheeks, denying them entry. They bounce away, then set themselves up for another rush.
Banana One chops the air with his hand. “AGAIN!”
The breachers disappear from view and I feel a spiky burst of pain erupt from my nethers. “FUCK YOU!” I scream, clenching as hard as possible and denying them entry once again. Down below, I hear one of them say, “On the count of three: one, two, THR—”
No options left. I can just barely reach my eReader with the tips of my fingers. I do so now, flipping it open to Echo and activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Bitefighter—my 10 lb. Terrier Extraordinaire, 83rd level intellect, and Buddy For Life—busts through the ceiling tile, hitting the ground in an anime-style crouch. He rises to his feet and slaps an alloyed disc strapped onto his right pectoral, causing it to glow lucent blue. A swirl of colored motes spiral around him, and his fur spikes from his body, standing completely on end as arcane energies electrify his coat. He throws his head back and lets loose with a tiny howl.
His flesh begins rippling. Lines of striated sinew push through his frame. In a matter of seconds, I find myself staring at Bitefighter’s monkey alter-ego: Bite-bobo, a two-foot tall, ferocious little guy that’s brimming with jungle-rage.
Bite-bobo rears up on his legs and pounds his chest, filling the air with ear-splitting shrieks. “Ook ook AWK!” Then he gallops toward the bananas on all fours, screeching wildly as he picks up speed.
“Oh SHIT!” Banana One shouts. “Everyone for themselves!”
They try to scatter but Bite-bobo snatches them up, flaying their skin with quick, efficient swipes of his fingers. I can’t help but wince; the wails of sentient bananas as they’re being skinned alive is no fucking joke.
Bite-bobo’s eyes and cheeks bulge cartoonishly as he gulps the flesh of my anally fixated enemies. GALUMPH! GALUMPH! GALUMPH!
Ha HA! That’s what you get for trying to plunder my chili-hole, you filthy goddamn bananas! The adventures of Kent Wayne—and his hyperintelligent monkey Bite-bobo—continue! 😀
Have you accidentally brought a bunch of vengeful bananas to life with your irresponsible use of reality-bending magics? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, upcoming podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜
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