“A million and ONE! A million and TWO!”
I walk into Chuck Norris’s garage gym, where he’s hopping in place, throwing an endless series of head-high roundhouse kicks.
“Oh hey, Kent—what’s happening? One for the TERRORISTS! One for the HIPSTERS!” He jumps off his support-leg, flying high into the air so he can execute a quadruple-lutz, and transition into an aerial twist. His kick-leg flits out in a dizzying series of rapid-fire strikes: “HyahyahhyahhyahHYAH!” It’s like watching a real life version of E Honda’s Hundred Hand Slap, only done with a single, karate-powered foot. After he lands on the rubberized floor, he breaks into a short jog toward the towel rack, does a roundoff, then powers through dozens of back hand-springs, finishing by arcing up into a tight somersault and sticking the landing with both arms extended overhead in a victorious “Y.” As he touches down, he lets loose with a defiant “ ’MERCA!!!” Then he looks at me.
“What can I do for ya, pansy?”
“I’m writing a scene with some martial arts in it, and I was wondering if you could give me some advice on—”
As I’m talking I walk closer. When I get to an arm’s length away he pivots in place and throws a thunderous punch right at my face, stopping his fist an inch from my chin. The sheer force of it sends my hair rippling back from my eyes and forces me to squint.
“Ha HA!” he trumpets. “Spared yer life, pussy!”
“Um…right.” I pull my hair back into place. “As I was saying, I was wondering if you could give me some—”
Suddenly, the lights flash red and an alarm starts sounding: REEE! REEE! REEE! An urgent, female voice begins speaking through the intercom: “Range Roundhouse has just been compromised. I repeat—Range Roundhouse has just been compromised. Assume defensive posture and prepare for imminent assault.”
“Defensive, hell!” Chuck strides over to one of the mirrored walls and throws a chain of kicks in Morse code. The wall opens up, revealing rows upon rows of loaded firearms. He slings on some body armor, then straps a bevy of weapons on to his person. All of his gear has been painted with the stars and stripes, along with glaring eagle heads.
He racks the action on a combat shotgun, his eyes lighting with a crazy gleam. “C’mon Kent! Grab yerself a boom-stick and let’s show these fuckers what for! I plan on bagging me at least—”
The patter of feet fills the air. Before Chuck can say anything more, a flood of untoned, horrid-smelling vegans pour into the gym. He manages to fire off a few rounds but they all go high. They quickly swamp him; his muzzle flashes twice before he disappears under a pile of crystal-festooned, BO-rife bodies. His defiant karate yells fade into dying whimpers.
I’m frozen with fear; they just took down Chuck fucking Norris in less than a second.
The lead vegan turns to me and hisses, “You’re next, Wayne. You’ll drown in a sea of unwashed bodies and stale patchouli. Now’s the time to say your prayers.”
Fuck that! I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Fat, luminescent motes of light materialize all around me. I spread my legs and root my weight, hunching slightly inward, clutching at the air with both hands. The shining motes draw inward toward my body. Slowly at first…but then with ever increasing speed, glowing brighter as they come closer. When they touch me, they form into hunks of noms, encasing my form with medium-rare ribeye, spicy wings, fall-off-the-bone ribs, and other forms of delicious meaties treaties.
A moment later I stand up, fully clad in a ten-foot suit of fragrant meat-armor.
My voice booms out through my armor’s speakers: “BOW BEFORE MEAT-FATHER. YOUR WEAK-SAUCE WAYS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED IN THE HOUSE OF ROUNDHOUSE.”
The vegans attack me in a snarling rush, but I repel them with giant hands made of t-bones, chops, and drumsticks. In the midst of the chaos, my faithful velociraptor steed Grimscar bursts into the garage, and I hop onto his back. The vegans are momentarily stunned; to a man, they freeze in place.
I pull back on Grimscar’s reigns, and he raises up on his hind legs, letting loose with a triumphant war cry. Then we charge into the vegans’ ranks, beating ass like there’s no tomorrow.
All hail the glory of Meat-Father and Grimscar! Hup hup Huzzah! 😀
Have militant vegans assaulted your home, forcing you to don an unstoppable war-suit and assume the honored mantle of Meat Father? No way—me too! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, upcoming podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜
#kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book