There’s a certain point when a man’s about to crack—that teeth-grinding, anus-leaking, million-degree psychic boil where you’re one bad interaction away from smashing faces and kicking nutsacks. I’m at that point right now; I can feel the veins beating on my eyeballs. Everything is hypersensitized—the boogers in my nose feel like they’re moving around—as if they’re sentient beings that are trying to annoy me by obstructing every breath I take—and my clothes and skin seem to pull and pinch with every shift of my body.
“Kent.” My boss walks into my cubicle and places a hand on my shoulder. I repress the urge to flinch. “Conference room. Powerpoint presentation.”
As he turns and walks away, I clutch the air with trembling fingers, trying to seize his body with a telekinetic Force-choke. It doesn’t work, but somehow, it causes my right nostril to start bleeding. (Thank god it’s not my anus; I’ve spent a fortune on diapers—I need them to staunch a tsunami of rectal emissions, all caused by stress.)
I walk into the conference room and take a seat. Per company policy, I’m strapped into my arm-rests with thick leather bands. My eyes are forced open with Clockwork Orange-style speculum. A rubber ball-gag is inserted into my mouth, then secured firmly to my skull with a notched strap. The projector clicks on, and the presentation begins.
“So in the third quarter of fiscal year 2018, we’re really looking to incentivize core competencies—get outside our wheelhouses and ideate new ways to enhance corporate synergy. There’s a great quote I’d like to reference, if I may. It goes—”
Tears of blood trickle down my cheeks. My world blurs into a murky, ill-defined haze. I feel something writhing within my chest. I look down and my breath hitches; beneath my shirt, my flesh is rippling and straining as if I was giving birth to an Aliens-style chest-burster. Simultaneously, I can feel a thick, penile curd pushing its way up my urethra. Somehow, the powerpoint’s evil has infected me with a foul disease that makes the clap look like the Care Bear Stare.
“SHUT IT OFF! SHUT IT OFF! AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!”
I scream loudly, but to no avail; my coworkers erupt with evil giggles. Bastards! They knew I couldn’t take another goddamn powerpoint!
So I rip an arm free from my chair, reach into my pocket, and open my eReader to Echo. Magic flash.
A perfectly cooked, medium-rare ribeye flies toward me. As it flips end over end, I see it’s imbued with Meaties Magic; glowing contrails hang in its wake, marking the air with flashing bands of iridescence. I catch it in my mouth and gulp it down. The influx of steak restores my manliness; the thing inside my chest dies with a whimpery sigh, and my penis rages forth from my pants—thick, strong, and ready to fuckstart Evil right in its evil fucking face. Panicked screams fill the conference room.
My tumescent buddy turns to me and speaks through its pee-slit. It sounds noble and old-timey: “Let us away, Man Child Wayne. We must spread our glorious seed amongst the soccer moms of Earth—they are in dire need of your carnal ministrations.”
I respond with a curt nod, then begin running toward the fiftieth story high-rise window. My coworkers are still pressed against the walls, hissing and snarling as if they were vampires and they’d just been exposed to sunlight. I crash through the glass, shielding my face with my elbow, then spread-eagle my limbs as I plummet downward. I pull my belt off and it flies into the void, torn away by the furious slipstream. My pants follow shortly after. I reach behind me and—
—grab hold of my giant scrotum and pull it tight, employing it as a makeshift hang-glider. As I catch a thermal and soar upward, I glimpse my thwarted coworkers crowded around the broken window, shaking their fists and howling in rage.
“DAMN YOU KENT WAYNE! DAMMMMNNNN YOUUUUUUuuuuuuuuu…”
Ha HA! The adventures of Kent Wayne—idiot author and giant-sacked Man Child—continue! 😀
Is your psyche about to unravel from insanely high levels of powerpoint evil? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, upcoming podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜
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