I’ll be honest—I’m not big on the idea of being a parent.  I know, I know; if I had a kid, I’d probably feel all kinds of different.  I just don’t want to raise a child in a world that’s facing the serious possibility of warring over fresh water, or—in the near term—have my child compete in the adderall-riddled mayhem that serves as our education system.

That being said, after Martha Stewart bludgeoned me senseless and impregnated me with a heinous rite that combined forbidden magics and dark science, I gave birth to a little Kent.  As he came out of my butthole my heart melted, because he was dressed exactly like me:  bow tie and booty shorts.

I decided to raise Falkor myself (what’d you EXPECT I’d name him?  I’m a consummate Man Child fer chrissakes!) and teach him the ways of the Wayne.  Seven years have passed since my beloved son emerged from my anus…

NOW:

“Daddy, daddy!”  Falkor runs up to me, sobbing and sniveling.

I wipe mountain dew off my lips with the back of my hand.  “What’s up, Falkor?”

“The kids are making fun of me because I eat paste!”

I ruffle his head.  “Ah, don’t worry about it; I used to eat gallons of the stuff.  Markers too—my favorite ones were the reds and purples.  Delicious!”  Then I smell my hand and flinch instinctively back from it.  “Oh Jeebus; what’d you put in your HAIR?  It smells like poop!”

Falkor wipes a fresh bubble of snot off his face.  “The bigger kids have been giving me swirlies.  They’re competing to see who can hold me in a used toilet for the longest amount of time.”

I march over to the bathroom, hand held out before me so I don’t rub poop-smell onto anything else.  “Get in the shower and rinse yourself off.  We’re going to introduce you to my magic eReader.”

Falkor hops in the shower and I clean off my hand.  When we’re both done and he’s changed clothes, I meet him in the living room.

“This will save you in a time of need,” I whisper reverently, unwrapping the limited edition Darth Vader Vs. Batman cheesecloth I cover my eReader with.  “Open it right before you get your ass handed to you.”

The next day, I watch him through our telepathic mind-link (there’s numerous downsides to being a father who’s birthed a kid through my butthole, but I can personally attest that having a telepathic link with my progeny is an awesome side effect), observing as some asshole third-grader grabs Falkor by the lapels and slams him up against a bathroom stall.

“Time for your swirly, nerd!” Asshole Third-Grader snarls.

My kid does me proud and rasps in a Batman-esque voice:  “Doubtful, fucker.”  Then he opens the eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

I feel hair sprout along his forearms and legs, and thick cables of muscle ripple across his frame.  Thirty seconds later, he’s morphed into a childhood version of our long-ago ancestor and gigantopithecus:  Kunt Wog.

“Ook ook AWK!”  He pounds his chest with both fists and begins beating ass like there’s no tomorrow; punching faces, smashing nuts, and twisting nerples.  As the last bully tries to flee, my kid run up behind him, wraps his waist with both arms, rears back, and—

“HHHRUUUUAAAAAHHHH!!!!!”

—suplexes his lunch-money stealing ass onto the cold bathroom tile.

That evening, when Falkor comes home from school, I ask him how his day was.

“It was amazing!  I turned the school bullies into a force for good, the nerds serve as my personal intelligentsia, and I’ve recruited all the hall monitors; they’ve become agents of my secret police force!  I now rule with an iron fist!”

I reach out and ruffle his hair.  “Attaboy, Falkor!  Let’s grab some pizza and mountain dew!”

Falkor beams.  “You’re the best, dad!  I can’t wait to tell you how I ran roughshod over my hated foes and crushed their blighted souls!  Yay!”

Ah…being a dad isn’t so bad—I could get used to this.

😀

 

Do you secretly wish that your kid turned into an unstoppable sasquatch and ran the second grade as if he or she was the unholy love child of Al Capone and Whitey Bulger?  Yeah—me too!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Echo is now available in paperback:  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined edition in paperback #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book