“Thanks Drac,” I blot the blood off the puncture marks midway up my neck. “I owe you one.”
“I owe YOU one.” He claps my shoulder and throws me a grin. “That time you saved me from a flock of emo suburbanites? Come ON, bro!”
“Yeah,” I chuckle. “I never got why they’re so enthused about drinking peoples’ blood. Or why they wear so much shit from Hot Topic.”
“What about you?” Dracula gives me a curious look. “You gonna be a stalker of the night?”
“Pffff!” I wave dismissively. “Nah. If I get a hankering for hemo I’m gonna maow down on some extra rare steaks. I wanted this so I could break an 8000 lb. deadlift, and also so I could keep writing for hours on end without falling asleep; I’m spending a fortune on Kickstart Mountain Dews.”
“I like the straight up soda,” Drac replies. “Can’t decide what’s better: White Out or Livewire. Anyways, I’ll see you around man.” The OG vampire spins his cape, morphs into a flutter of bats, then vanishes into the night.
Doo be doo be doo…as I walk home from the park, I pass by a bevy of shifty individuals, but I’m not worried; I have the strength to punch three new assholes into a regular human being.
After a few minutes, I walk past a gaggle of pasty-skinned kids. I can tell their leader’s just like me: a vampire. He’s doing his best James Dean impression, looking all haunted and angsty and mind-bogglingly douchey.
I give him a nod. “Sup.”
His dark eyes track over mine, then he solemnly utters: “Greetings, O wanderer of the night. How fare you, amongst these flesh-bound peons, these cattle who would—”
“Whoa.” I hold up a hand, cutting him off. “How about we start with names?”
He pauses, then says: “My name is Edward.” He nods at a gap-toothed high school girl, who’s staring forlornly off into the distance, every so often voicing an overdramatic, melancholy sigh. “That’s my girlfriend: Bella.”
“Cool, cool.” I nod. “Mine’s Kent. How long have you been doing this for, Ed?”
“I have been alive for over a hundred years.”
“A hundred…” I look back and forth between Bella and Edward, my eyes widening in disbelief. “YOU…YOU LOW-LIFE PEDO!” I march forward, fists clenched, teeth grinding in rage. Edward’s clique of pale, vitamin-D deprived jerkoffs scatter in fear.
“Now hold on!” He backs away from me, hands raised. “Just hold on a—”
I launch a cross into his weak-chinned jaw, and he stumbles against an alleyway wall. As he rebounds off it I grab his lapels and pull him into a vicious headbutt, smashing his nose into a pulpy mess. A couple knees to the balls, and he decorates my chest with a mouthful of barf.
“Please…” he murmurs weakly.
“Not a chance asshole.” I slam his skull against the brick wall. “Can’t believe Chris Hansen didn’t catch you and televise it, you twisted piece of shit. You deserve to be thrown to Rikers worst bulls; they know EXACTLY what to do with evil fucks like you.”
I’m about to double-leg Edward and take him to the ground, but he turns his face to the sky and begins crying in a thin, testosterone-deprived voice:
“Oh mellifluous chicanery, ye unbridled discordia, that which powers our minds from the aetheric slipstream!”
FUCK! Emo-poetry! My vision erupts with flashing lights. I drop to my knees, and feel the telltale warmth of fresh blood slipping from my eyes and my nostrils.
“Hail the Blood Moon! The indolent rembrandt which gifts us with vice!”
I collapse onto my side, twitching and shaking. My mind is fraying apart, my organs are about to fail. This century-old, emo-poet fuck is about to drive me insane and continue seducing dumbass high-schoolers.
But I can’t let that happen. So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“HHHNNNGH!” Edward grunts in surprise as a flabby, speedo-clad giant comes hurtling out of the dark, smashing him against a dumpster. As I get to my feet, I see it’s Steven Seagal.
“Don’t worry, Kent; I’ve got this.”
The nineties action star sits on the vampire’s chest and begins making out with his own fist. His other hand starts snapping the waistband of his speedos, affording me brief glances of his unshaven junk. The only phrase that comes to mind is “mutant wildebeest.” I have to put conscious effort into not vomiting.
As I flee from the alley, I hear Edward’s screams piercing the air. For a brief moment, I’m not sure whether to laugh or shudder.
Fuck it—laughter it is. Moo hoo ha ha! 😀
Are you one of those folks who’s looked objectively at the premise of Twilight and thought “That’s kind of fucked?” Yeah—me too! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Echo is now available in paperback: Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined edition in paperback #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book