Panicked breaths fly from my mouth.
Soccer mom laughter fills my ears. Some exchange high-fives. Others shoot rubber bands at my jiggling buttocks.
My lungs burn. My legs ache.
My pronouncement is met with jeers and cackles. A few throw origami penises at my speedo-clad bum. “Keep twerking, Man Whore!” one of them shouts. “We paid good money for this!”
“Please,” I gasp. “Need…water…”
My vision goes blurry and I fall on my face. Due to the fact that I’ve been twerking for eight hours straight, my butt continues humping up and down; it’s now on autopilot.
A round of applause erupts from the soccer moms. One of them snaps the band on my hearts n’ lightsaber-spotted speedo. Another jabs my face with a dildo, snickering gleefully as I sputter and cough.
“Get that—MMFF—outta my—“
A pair of electric needles shoot into my abdomen. My body becomes a spasming mess; 50,000 volts crackle through my muscles, causing my limbs to jump and seize.
They deactivate the taser and I puddle against the ground, twitching and jerking.
“Why?” I whisper.
The lead soccer mom inspects her nails. “You’ve made fun of our dickless, office-drone husbands for far too long, Kent. We’ve enjoyed your scantily clad hijinks, but enough is enough—time to pay the piper.”
A robed mom parts their ranks. She ceremoniously draws a gigantic dildo sword from the sheath by her hip. As she swishes it through the air, carving intricate patterns above me with its gleaming, rubbery head, the theme for Requiem for a Dream begins playing in the background.
“No!” My eyes widen. “Exit only—EXIT ONLY!”
Her friends grab hold of my limbs, stretching me out like I’m a Thanksgiving turkey about to get stuffed. She chants something arcane and sibilant, then whirls the sword into an inverted position. The tip’s now pointing downward, ready to arrow directly into my butt-flesh.
“AAAAAHHH!!!” I rip an arm free, reach into a secret compartment sewn into my undies and withdraw my eReader, opening it to Echo and activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
From the corner of my eye, I see Bitefighter—my 10 lb. Terrier Extraordinaire and 83rd level intellect—crashing through the window and tumbling through the soccer moms’ midst. He spins into a crouch and splays his tiny arms, throwing dozens of smoke bombs in every direction. The room is instantly flooded with ash-gray fog.
“Where did he—”
“How the hell could a DOG just—”
“My dildo-sword! It’s gone!”
During the confusion, Bitefighter has rigged the dildo-sword to a Mad Max-style harpoon-launcher. As the smoke clears, he braces himself in a wide stance and—POONK!—fires the launcher, sending the dildo-sword sailing into the distance, trailing a long line of decelerant cable. At the same time, he snaps a carabiner onto my undies, securing my body to his commando harness. He flips a lever on the launcher, and we go rocketing off into the distance.
I laugh in joy, exchanging high-fives with my best buddy. Dozens of feet below, thwarted soccer moms shake their fists at me.
“DAMN YOU KENT WAYNE! DAAAAMMMMMNNN YOOOOOUUUUuuuuuuu…”
The adventures of your favorite author (and perennial Man Child) Kent Wayne, and his awesome terrier Bitefighter continue! 😀
Are your buttcheeks about to be irreparably devastated by a vengeful soccer mom’s enchanted dildo-sword? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book