Hello there, 500mg THC death star edible! GALUMP! Down the hatch you go!
I stagger into the bathroom to perpetuate the soothing cycle of energy transmutation inherent to all living organisms, one that’s even present in celestial bodies (plants poop, stars poops, we all poop and don’t you lie to me and say it doesn’t feel amazing). But as I plunk down into the bowl, I realize I’ve forgotten to lower the lid.
At that moment, the edible kicks in, and my entire being gets sucked into the swirly confines of the porcelain godhead.
Smooth alabaster give way to an interdimensional golgotha of dead ideas and rotting concepts. I see legions of Grammar Nazis marching through empty space. Blood-red robes swish around their squat, orcish bodies as they raise iron-skulled staves and chant in harsh, guttural time. They sound like a cross between screaming babies and rusty gearboxes.
Off to the right, I see corporate managers going through trillion-slide powerpoints, bombarding the souls of everyone present with an unending stream of mental vomit. Off to the left, I see Satan masturbating into a slice of NY pizza, defiling all that is good with his gross, maggot-like sperm. Three soccer moms floats by me and proclaim, “Now that your genitals no longer curve up, you can’t hang out with us.”
I clutch my temples and shut my eyes. Tears stream down my face as I shake my head back and forth.
“No. This isn’t real! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
“Open your eyes, Kent.” The voice is thunderous, booming, and somehow benevolent.
I wipe my eyes with shaking palms, and see that the horrifying images have disappeared. In their place is a giant Voltron made of Batmans. It’s surrounded by a shining halo of blue-white light, and as it drifts closer, a choir of angels begins to sing.
“Voltron-Batman.” My voice breaks. “I knew you would save me. Ever since—”
“Ever since you were little. I comforted you whenever you flushed the toilet—you were terrified the Toilet Demon would rise up and swallow you.” Voltron-Batman nods knowingly.
I look around. “Well the Toilet Demon got me. I don’t know how to get back to the real world.”
“Easy.” Voltron-Batman puts its hands on its waist. “You need to promise that you’ll stop dicking around and finish editing Echo 4.”
I nod vigorously. “I promise, Voltron-Batman! I prom—”
And before I can finish, I sit up in bed, blinking dazedly. I stare at my computer and see that it’s open to a chapter of Echo 4.
Sweet! Time to check out my favorite soccer mom sites! I think I’ll start with cougarinsheat.c—
Then I stop myself. No. You can lie to others, you can lie to yourself…
But you can never lie to Voltron-Batman.
Have you been sidetracked by an impromptu trip to a toilet-spawned netherworld? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book