HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO…
[Genegineer Kentaro Weydani] my fellow Gray Zorbot projects to me. [What the saucer are you doing, you interstellar dumbass?]
I stop staring at my reality-shifter 2000 (it looks like a circular well of light that projects a holographic interface of genes, DNA, and carbon-based iterations) and turn my giant black eyes onto Zorbot. [I’m messing around with some of these cool Earth animals. Look at these pterodactyls and velociraptors! Ooh—have you seen this big-ass brontosaurus? This thing is the TITS!]
Zorbot rubs his eyes with a spindly hand. [Black hole preserve us…] his hand drops away and he gives me a weary look. [Boss Orthot is deploying a meteor to clean up this planet. We’re going in a more intellectual direction. Those giant lizards and supersized bugs are a neutron-star-sized nuisance.]
[WHAT?] I’m stunned. [YOU’RE GETTING RID OF THE DINOS?] I wrap my arms protectively around the reality-shifter. [NO FUCKING WAY!]
Zorbot claps his hands and a dozen Grays run into the room. [We’re going with primates, Kentaro. Don’t fuck this up—back away from the reality-shifter.]
[FUCK YOU! I SPEAK FOR THE DINOSAURS, BITCH!]
And then they’re on me, pummeling me with their stringy gray fists. Everything goes slo-mo, and I hear the echo of my screams as they shout furiously at me to let go of the reality shifter. There’s no fucking way…the dinos are too freakin’ cool…but there’s so many Grays, and I’m only a single alien…
In the midst of the punishment, my mind spins free of my body and enters a primordial, omniscient state. I see beyond time and space, beyond causality, and I see that there’s nothing I can do to stop the death of dinos. But even though the Earth will be populated by vicious primates, I can still incept the sees of novelty into one of their kind. He will be known as Kent Wayne, and he will conceive of something that will bring back the wonder and joy of giant dinosaurs…he will conceive of something that can distort reality itself…a concept for a story called…
I lock the concept into Kent Wayne’s psyche, simultaneously activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A cyborg velociraptor bursts in, telepathically screaming, [MY NAME IS GRIMSCAR! GET THE FUCK OFF KENTARO, YOU UNIMAGINATIVE HEATHENS!] He runs through their midst, ripping the Grays apart with adamantium talons. He slings my battered form onto his back and purses his reptilian maw, whistling a haunting melody that shakes existence itself. It’s not just noise; it emerges from his mouth as a series of glowing blue notes, which form into a six-foot diameter circle of light. Through the circle, I can see a wondrous, otherworldly forest. Above the vegetation is a rich purple sky, lit by the glow of three different moons.
The Enchanted Booty Forest.
We charge through the portal. Reality slips and slides, and then we’re falling through the air. Four X-wing S-foils sprout from Grimscar’s sides. The thrusters fire up and we crest the horizon, riding high on a thermal.
Yeah biznotches—I’m riding a flying cyborg velociraptor over the Enchanted Booty Forest! BOOYAH!
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