I cup my gauntleted hand around my mouth and shout: “PRINCESS FAIRDYNE! DOTH MY LADY WISH FOR A SAVIOR? FOR I AM ONE SUCH—”
Fifty feet up the tower, I see a beautiful soccer mom poke her head out the window. She looks down at me and smacks her lips.
“Mmm mmm MMM! Get your Man Whore ass up here, Knight Wayne! You’d best believe that armor’s coming off, so start loosening your plate-straps right freakin’ now!”
“DOTH MY LADY WISH ME TO—”
“Knock off the old-timey speak!” she snaps. “Stab-fuck my captors and get ready to play some Orifice Madness!” She disappears back into her chamber.
Hey…I LIKE old-timey speak!
(But I also like aggressively randy soccer moms 😀 )
I get off my horse and enter the tower. As I walk in, an orc lunges at me and I throw a spinning elbow, cracking his snout wide open. He falls onto his side, knocked cold. I patter up the central staircase, loosening my plate-straps, singing softly under my breath.
“We goin’ SIZZlers, we goin’ SIZZler’s, we goin’—”
A goblin lunges at me and I Spartan-kick it out of the air, causing it to spin out and fall bass-ackwards. I’m now thirty feet up; its scream stretches up to me before it touches down with a bone-crunching SPLAT.
As I continue up the stairs, I mime a DJ record scratch and throw out some beatboxing. “BUH-tse BUH-tse BUH-tse…”
Soon I’m standing at the door to Princess Fairdyne’s chamber—a towering, vault-like affair ringed by ornate molding. A hunched, robed figure shuffles in front of it. Due to the shadow of his hood, I can’t see his eyes.
“Who are you?” I ask, taking off my last piece of breastplate. I’m now clad in nothing but my booty shorts.
His sallow lips curve into a smile. “I’m your worst enemy—the physical embodiment of proper Adulting.”
Sickly-smelling fear-sweat springs from my pores. “Wait.” I raise my hand. “Take it easy; you don’t have to—”
It throws off its cloak, revealing an ill-fitting suit that fails to hide its dad-bod. A gigantic tome of grammar appears in its right hand, and a gift card to Old Navy appears in its left. Foul miasmas spin off its eyes, enveloping my head in a cloud of evil.
I stumble back, gagging, trying to fight off the Adulting, but it’s no use; my muscled limbs wither into pale, withered sticks. My genitals turn lifeless and gray; in a matter of seconds, they’re reduced from their healthy 14-inch tumescence into a tiny collection of wrinkled death. At a quick glance, they could easily be mistaken for unhappy raisins. All the while, the Adulting demon laughs maniacally.
“Batman save me!” I gasp. My hair falls out as years of office bullshit assault my tissues. “I can’t…I can’t…”
No options left. I reach into my booty shorts, withdraw my eReader and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Gandalf the Grey appears before me. He takes one look at my shaking body and his mouth drops open. He reaches for my face and in my panicked state, I try to wave him off.
His eyes narrow. “Be still, fool!” He grasps hold of my jaw with his left hand, conjures a medium-rare ribeye into his right, then jams it into my mouth with a vicious punch. His arm reaches down into my stomach, sinking past my lips until he’s all the way in up to his elbow.
My throat works in reflexive gags. At first I wrestle with his arm, but then I relax and close my eyes.
“Yes…” he murmurs. “Let the steak flow through you…FEEL its power.”
The Adulting demon howls in anger and lunges at Gandalf, but the wizard disappears in a puff of smoke. I get to my feet and level a steady gaze at my unholy enemy.
“I am a servant of the sacred Voltron, wielder of the Odin-blessed Destructo-cock. The dark fire will not avail you, Adulting Demon! Go back to the Shadow!” Eldritch lightning streams from my eyes, marring the walls with pits and scorch-marks.
(I know that Gandalf made movie history with “you shall not pass,” but I’m a professional Man Child; I’ve gotta throw a Man Child twist on it, right?)
So I scream: “THUNDERCATS! HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”
The Adulting Demon arches back, clutching the air and howling in agony. After a few seconds, it twirls in place and vanishes in a flutter of bats.
I stand there for a bit, savoring my victory. Then the princess’s voice drifts out from her chamber.
“Keeeee-eeent…you still have to freeeeeee me.” A mischievous note enters her voice. “What did you mean by ‘destructo-cock?’ ”
I may be a professional Man Child…but I’m also a professional Man Whore. 😉
*70s porn music*
Is your next hot date being guarded by some foul demon sent by the Agents of Adulting? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book