I stand on the prow of my longship, and belt out, “WHY DO YOU BUILD ME UP? BUTTERCUP BABY JUST TO LET ME DOWN…AND MESS ME AROUND! AND THEN WORST OF ALL, YOU NEVER CALL BABY—”
Asger, my Viking raid leader yells, “KENT! GET THE FUCK DOWN FROM THERE, YOU ODIN-DAMNED EMBARRASSMENT!”
I walk down from our black dragon figurehead, grinning like a ten year old. Man, I LOVE singing on the prow!
“Back with the rest of the rowers,” Asger grunts. “King Elrik wants to chat with you when we make land.”
“Gotcha!” I reply cheerily. For the next thirty minutes, I put my back into it and work my oars. After we beach, I start unloading thralls, but Asger waves me off.
“We’ve got this. Go see Elrik.”
The King’s waiting for me in his lamb-skin hut, tearing into a dripping piece of turkey-leg. He locks eyes with me and motions for me to sit. Once I do so, he jerks his chin and his five wives—sprawled across an assortment of hide blankets—get up and leave.
“Kent…” He sighs and rubs his brow. “You’re the best warrior among us…but you’re not fitting in.”
I raise an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
“Look.” He raises both hands, palms out. “We’re Vikings, okay? We rape, we murder, we pillage. We don’t sing soft rock, we don’t kiss small dogs, and we don’t…what do you call it?”
“ ‘Make the sex?’ “ I offer.
“Right. There’s nothing consensual about what we do. Yet you hand out biscuits to prisoners, sing and dance for them, and their women flock to you.”
“I think it’s ’cause of this new soap.” I scratch my giant, pendulous nuts and sniff my fingers. “My junk always smells lemon-fresh—”
He interrupts me with an exasperated wave. “No, Kent, it’s not your flowery-smelling scrotum. It’s all of it—you’re a lover, not a fighter.”
My lower lip quivers. “What are you saying? I’m off the raid party?”
He shakes his head regretfully. “Not just that—we’re gonna have to execute you and pike your head. Our kids can’t know that we have a nice guy in our midst.”
I spring to my feet. “FUCK YOU ELRIK! I’VE MADE MORE HALF-VIKINGS FOR YOU THAN ANY OTHER WARRIOR!”
He jumps to his feet and levels an angry finger at me. “THROUGH CONSENSUAL MEANS, KENT! YOU’RE TAKING ALL THE FOREIGN TRIM FROM US!” He claps his hands. “WARRIORS! STAB-FUCK THIS SHIT-EATER AND PIKE HIS SKULL!”
The tent flap bursts open and a bunch of gnarly, bearded thugs burst in, holding large axes and giant-ass swords.
No options left. I reach deep into my psyche, scores of incarnations into the future where I’m known as a renowned sci-fi author named Kent Wayne, and tap into the story called Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A creepy alien noise—oooWEEEEEEOOOoooo—sounds from above and we all run out of the tent. A fleet of flying saucers descends upon us, lighting up the camp with a turbolaser barrage.
“WHAT THE FUCK!” Elrik screams. He shakes his fist at the sky and screams, “FACE ME, YOU NERDS! FIGHT ME LIKE A—” and then he’s enveloped in a column of weaponized light. His bones shine briefly through his skin before he’s reduced to a small pile of ash.
The rest of Vikings erupt into a screaming, chaotic mob, running every which way in an effort to save themselves. When it’s all said and done, the saucers touch down in the burnt remains of our village. Ramps extend from their bottoms, hatches hiss open, and beautiful soccer moms walk out.
The lead one points at me. “Him. That’s the one with the deliciously thick, upcurved genitals.”
Two of her scantily-clad warriors—both wearing garments that look like something Flash Gordon would make if he designed clothes for strippers—grip me by the elbows and walk me toward a saucer.
“Where are you taking me?” I ask shakily.
“Fear not, puny Kent. We’re appropriating you for the best job in this 54-galaxy region known as the Local Group. You’re going to be a professional Man Whore.”
She smiles and winks. “Hope you’ve been carbing up; we’re gonna get our money’s worth out of you.”
*70s porn music*
Are you too damn nice to hang with the likes of Wulfgar and Ragnar? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book