“He said: ‘Fly, you fools!’ ”
“And then he FELL!” Frodo blubbers, touching foreheads with a bereaved Sam. Boromir and Aragorn huddle with Merry and Pippin, trying to comfort them, but it’s no use—they’re bawling like little bitches. Gimli and Legolas looks off into the distance with thousand-yard stares.
“Unacceptable,” I state in a tight, clipped voice. “What is WRONG with you pansy asses? We’re going in there right now and rescuing Old Balls McWizardFace from the depths of Hades. Get your murder-boners going, because shit’s about to get—”
“Kent.” Boromir gives me a haunted look. “There are things in there that do not sleep!”
I point at my ballsack. “Yeah—and there’s things in HERE that don’t give a fuuuuuck. Pick up your dork-ass weapons and let’s get moving.”
I lead these numbskulls back into Moira, periodically looking behind me to make sure that they don’t bitch out. Aragorn and Boromir are doing the stoic thing, but the hobbits are flinching at every noise, moaning and whimpering as if we were entering a lair of level 20 mutant hillbillies instead of an XP gold mine. I shake my head in disgust and keep going.
“GOBLINS!” Legolas starts blasting away, his arrow-arm working in quick flits as he snatches up missile after missile and sends them flying into the dark. He’s a little freaked out but that’s okay; at least he’s grabbed hold of his nuts and decided to get some.
The rest of em go buck nuts; Frodo’s waving his glowing pigsticker around, and Boromir and Aragorn are grunting like Brazzers pornstars as they slice heads off necks and arms off shoulders.
“YEAH!” I yell, whipping out my dick and choking an Orc with its tumescent length. “WE’RE GONNA GET AT LEAST 30,000 EXPERIENCE POINTS FROM THIS SHIT! IF ANYONE SPOTS A TENSER’S DANCING LONGSWORD +3, THEM SHITS IS MINE!!!”
We continue battling, and I level up five times in the span of two minutes. I’m taking damage, but because I’m leveling up, my hit points keep increasing, allowing me to stay in fray. GodDAMN this was a good call! I’m beating the brakes off my thousandth goblin, grinning happily…when it all goes south.
*Ringwraith theme song*
A dad-bodded corporate manager approaches us in slow motion, his evil tie flapping in the wind. His jowly, jawline-deficient face lights with a foul smile, and the piggy eyes behind his nerdish glasses shine with glee. Even though he doesn’t move his mouth, his mind-whisper-attack rockets through our skulls.
“Paradigm shift low-hanging fruit synergize talk offline—”
I drop to my knees, screaming in agony and crying blood. Through dim smoke and crimson tears, I see the rest of my party do the same. The manager keeps coming, promising us the corner office and a heavy injection of political correctness. I stagger to my feet, swinging drunkenly at the tide of goblins. They’re scoring hits all across my body, getting past my Adamantine Booty Shorts (+7 against Lawful Evil, +5 against all other alignments). My hit points drop to single digits. Manager guy casts a heinous spell at my enchanted cock, destroying its magical sentience and reducing it to its normal 14 inch length.
No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Eldritch blaze envelops my penis, and a surge of unchecked magic brings it back to life. The head twitches up, as if it just smelled something delicious, then it begins whirling in place, expanding into a giant, multi-barreled Gatling Cock. Hard-light grips appear above its length, and I grab ahold of it, bracing it on my hip like Jesse Ventura in Predator.
An unstoppable barrage of turbolaser attack-sperm jet out from my piece, ripping Manager Guy into bloody shreds. I walk the rounds across the cavern, blowing apart goblins like coke-drenched pop-rocks, leveling up 50 times in less than a second. When it’s all said and done, I ease off my dick and scan the legions of felled monsters.
“Next time, you fucks better pack something deadlier than a manager. ’Cause if you’re facing my death-dick?”
I spit on the manager’s shattered body.
“Y’all need some more gun.”
Are you trying to level up, but your bitch-ass party-mates are holding you back? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book