FROM THE DIARY OF KENT WAYNE:
“Have you noticed the insidious rise of militant beta-males? I have. Does it scare me? You’re damn skippy it does. Nowadays, whenever I try and talk to girls, some cock-blocker swoops in and blithers on about chakra-balancing and how all men should undergo surgery so they can help breast-feed newborns. Then I get dismissed as a body-shamer and an unfeeling robot, because I enjoy slinging iron at the gym and employing both inductive and deductive logic to arrive at a conclusion which can be functionally utilized to create widespread harmony through the reliable manifestation of desired results. This is crazy—I feel persecuted for not being a weak-chinned yes-man who doesn’t want beluga caviar in his damn coffee, and still takes it straight black, no sugar, no cream. Sorry beta-males—I’ll be damned if I start saying everything in the form of a question.”
Aaaaahhh…good to get that off my chest. I lean back in my chair and drum mah belly. I would never actually go out and scrap with beta-males; I’m a happy-go-lucky Man Child who enjoys a drama-free life. It’s just annoying when I’m conversing with soccer moms and some rando beta-male diverts the subject to how they’re more sophisticated than me because their jeans are skinner than mine or because they know more gender pronouns than I do.
Anyways, I flick on the teeb and lose myself for a little while in some Voltron 84. Dunno about you guys, but nothing puts the hair on my chest like a giant robot with a giant sword beating the hell out of some giant monsters. Then I glance outside and see something strange: there’s no one there.
It’s mid-afternoon in downtown San Francisco but there’s no cars, no people…what the heck? I get up from my seat and walk to the window, looking around. The streets are empty. Everyone’s just…gone.
What the hell?
And then I see it: hordes of beta-males closing in on my apartment.
I scramble up to the roof and assess my options. My vision is overwhelmed by a flood of horn-rimmed glasses and untoned limbs. Perhaps I could fight off three or four hundred of these testosterone-lacking fucks, but not thousands.
And from what I’m able to see, there’s MILLIONS of them.
I dial my retired government buddy on a sat-phone, and he promptly answers. “What’s good, Kent?”
“Hey B, I need a favor. I’m about to be overrun by beta-males. I need Specter gun-ships, I need armored mobility, I need naval gunfire, and I need—”
“Sorry Kent; I don’t have access to any of that anymore. Hell, Michelle doesn’t even let me drive, nowadays.”
“Dude, I saved the Earth from fucking Insectoids! Don’t tell me you can’t—”
“I just leveled up and this little fucker A$$Killer954 is STILL about to rape me on Titanfall! I gotta go dude—talk to you later!”
The phone goes dead. GodDAMMIT!
I hear them coming up the stairs, running through the complex and knocking down doors, saying everything in that stupid, up-lilting question-voice.
“We’re coming for you Kent?”
“Um, we’re going to rip your testicles off and use them as golf balls?”
Fuck. No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A giant sphere covered with NASCAR emblems rockets down from the heavens like a flaming meteor. It blasts into the middle of the beta-males outside my apartment, flattening a dozen of them into pasty red goo. The sphere opens up, ejecting hundreds of fish-hook-in-hat hillbillies, all wearing sleeveless tees, ginormous belt buckles, and big ol’ Duck Dynasty beards.
The redneck commander throws his head back and roars:
“NONCONSENSUAL SEX WITH THEIR FACES AND THEIR BUTTS! LEAVE NO ANUS UNRAVAGED!!!”
Panicked screams erupt from the beta-males. I wince and cringe as legions of my enemies fall before an army of dirty, unshaven boners.
Crazy rednecks: no better friend, no worse enemy.
Are you about to be overrun by a horde of crazy beta-males? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book