Bitefighter—my loyal Buddy for Life and 10 lb. Terrier Extraordinaire—lowers a piece of pizza to my mouth. As he does so, I provide voice-over narration:
“Delivery guy’s using a slice for cover. He’s almost to the plane. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO, HOTSHOT???”
Bitefighter locks gazes with me for a tense, earth-shattering second.
I scream: “EAT THE HOSTAGE!!!” Then I lunge forward and maow down on the pizza. Omnomnommogglenomfnommers!
After I’m finished, he gives me a high five with his tiny furry paw. Suddenly, alarms begin blaring inside our home, the Bitemobile. (It’s a tech-ed out dumpster fitted with batteries of particle-beam weaponry and electrogravitic thrusters). We scramble out into the surrounding alley and lock gazes with the grodiest man alive:
He grins maliciously and says, “Pop quiz, hotshots—the nastiest-looking man to ever walk the Earth is standing in front of you. He’s slowly stripping down to his bare testicles, which he hasn’t shaved in well over a decade, and now look like mutant tarantulas. What do you do?”
Garey undoes two buttons on his shirt, giving us a glimpse of his pimply, old man chest. Me and Bitefighter are hit with a psychic blast of pure nausea; we drop to our knees, clutching our stomachs and gasping in pain. Every pedestrians in a hundred yard radius falls to the ground like they’ve been shot by a sniper, their noses and ears pouring with blood.
“P-p-p-please,” I manage.
He takes off his shirt, revealing a pale, liver-spotted stomach, and repeats, “What do you DO?”
My eyes fill with blood and I vomit up pink sputum. A nearby tree screams in pain, then withers into dust.
He keeps going, taking off his jeans and stripping down to a happy-face dotted speedo. Oh god, I can’t take this…there’s no way I’ll be able to see his weiner and keep my organs from exploding like coke-soaked pop-rocks…
So I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Suddenly, a mandala-threaded portal opens beneath me and Bitefighter. We drop into it, and we find ourselves flying on the backs of talking pterodactyls, high above a magic land filled with busty elves and glowing swords.
My God—the Enchanted Booty Forest.
We exchange a high-five and pump our fists, ready to go buck-nuts wild like the craze-faced malcontents that we both are.
The adventures of Man Child and Bitefighter continue! 😀
If the grodiest fella to ever walk the earth performs a slow strip tease in front of you, never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book