I spot a bunch of younger dolphins, all getting high as fuck off puffer fish secretions, and race into their midst, telepathically screaming: [GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE YOU, GODDAMNED DEGENERATES! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT GETTING HIGH ON THE PIFFY FISHY!!!]
They scatter into the ocean, shrieking out laughter, telling me to go fuck myself.
My name is Knnrk Wnee. I’m a member of the Waverider dolphin pod, and if you didn’t know, we dolphins are a bunch of rapist serial killer assholes. Yeah, you can look it up online: we rape, we kill, and we’re assholes. All verified facts, I’m sad to say.
(Hold on—lemme get some a’ this puffer fish.) *SNNNOOORRRTTT* (Oh FUCK that’s good.)
A few months ago, every pod chief had a conference and decided we dolphins should live up to the false reputation given to us by the ignorant humans. We’re sly enough to act all cute and affectionate when humans come by—our deceptively smiley expressions reel those fuckfaced New Agers in by the goddamned handful—but if word gets out that we’re a bunch of aquatic cannibals that would make the most inbred, meth’d up hilbilly look like Mother fucking Theresa, then hippies would stop protecting us, and it’d be open season on our sadistic asses.
Accordingly, I’ve been appointed as a dolphin cop. Detective Knnrk Wnee, at your service.
(Lemme get at this p-fish again.) *SNNNOOORRRTTT* (Fin-fist my blowhole, that shit is GOOD!)
So maybe I’m not a shining example of ocean morality…but hey, I was raised in the rough currents of the Atlantic. And lemme tell you—as far as cops go, I’m one of the better ones. When your entire police force is comprised of reformed cannibal rapists, you take what you can get, so you can stop judging me from your high horse, capice? Anyways, I keep things ship-shape when the brass walks by, but I let the little things slide when they’re not around. The only thing I’m REALLY concerned with is—
[GET THEM HUMANS!]
I snap my snout left, and see a dozen Shark Maulers—these assholes are like MS-13 times a thousand—rushing at a New Age tour group. Unwary handfuls of cow-faced, dreadlocked humans are splashing into the water wearing their dumbass lifevests, delightedly proclaiming how beautiful the dolphins are.
I charge at the Shark Maulers, screaming, [FUCK OFF, CUNTS!].
They stop in their tracks and glare at me.
Their chief projects: [What’re you gonna do, po-po? You think you can take all of us? My prehensile penis is going straight into those humans’ orifices. Ain’t a goddamn thing you can do to stop me.]
I grit my teeth. [Stand down, shitbag. Retract your cock and swim away—before you do something you’re gonna regret.]
The Shark Mauler looks from side to side at his evil compatriots, chortling and snickering. [You believe this guy?] He gestures at me with his right fin. [Thinks that just ’cause he got a badge, he’s all high and mighty. Yo dude,] he locks eyes with me. [I can still see puffer fish on your fucking snout.]
My gaze narrows. [If you can’t tell the difference between taking a bump and ravaging an asshole, you don’t deserve to live, cocksucker.]
[Aite aite.] The Shark Mauler studies his fin, then looks up at me, grinning maliciously. [If I can’t have me a human hole, then I’m gonna have me a dolphin one.] His face turns savage and he roars, [I AM GONNA HAVE NONCONSENSUAL SEX WITH YOUR FACE AND YOUR BUTT!!!!]
I swim frantically away from a dozen horned-up predators. Out of sheer terror, I reach deep into my mind, shuffle through my incarnational profile, plunging into the one psyche in which I wrote a sci-fi epic called Echo. Not only did it have giant robots and bomb-ass future wizards, it also possessed the power to distort reality itself…
A score of enormous blue whales rise from the depths, coming between me and the Shark Maulers. The lead one blinks suspiciously, then fixes his eyes on the Shark Mauler chief.
[THAS’ THE ONE.] the whale booms in a deep-ass voice that would make Marsellus Wallace and Darth Vader wet their pants. [IMMA HAVE HIS ASS.] He turns to his blue whale buddies. [Y’ALL C’N FUCK-SPLODE THE REST OF ’EM.]
(“fuck-splode” or “fuck-splosion” is slang for the inevitably gory outcome that occurs when a blue whale decides to mate with anything other than its own species)
Their giant shadows fall across the Shark Maulers, who are now raising their fins up in abject terror.
The Shark Mauler chief screams: [AH GOD PLEASE! DON’T FUCK-SPLODE ME, BRO! I’M SORRY FOR—]
That’s all I hear before I swim off, laughing like a maniac.
Turnabout’s fair play! Mwahahaha!
Are you a dolphin trying to do the right thing from within an aquatic world of murder, cannibalism, and fuck-splosions? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book