(Don’t worry, this doesn’t wander too far in the direction of Gross)
OH yeah buddy Mcbudderson! Got about three hours to myself, a gallon bottle of hand lotion, a big ol’ thing of kleenex, and my browser split-tabbed to a bunch of milf clips!
I rub my hands briskly together as I sit before my computer, butt-ass nekkid (aside from some DC Animated Universe socks ’cos I enjoy warm piggies when I do the Dirty), and scoot up to the edge of my desk, ready to get clickin’ as well as…you know: the Other Thing. 😉
But suddenly, the screen goes black. Before I can curse the fates for inflicting an ill-timed computer crash on me, a blinking line of text appears across the screen’s center:
THIS IS GRAMMAR NAZI PRIME.
My eyes narrow. “What do you want?”
TO PLAY A GAME. NICE SOCKS, BY THE WAY. THOUGH I WOULD NEVER ADMIT IT, I TOO ENJOY A VIOLENT ALTERCATION BETWEEN THE DARK KNIGHT AND THE SON OF KRYPTON.
I start in my chair and look wildly around. How does he know what kind of socks I’m wearing? He must have planted hidden cameras inside my studio. What the kind of sick fuck interrupts a hog-flogging sesh with a diabolical game of cat-and-mouse???? I try to yank my underoos on but a little metal dart comes whistling out of the wall, stabbing me in the right buttock and juicing me up with 50,000 volts.
I drop to the ground, spasming. “GLKGLKGLKGLKGLKNNNNNNNNNN!!!!”
The voltage cuts off and I gasp for air. I remove the needle from my butt with trembling fingers. In a shaky voice, I ask: “What do you want?”
The screen reads: I KNOW THAT IF YOU DON’T RELEASE SEMEN ON A REGULAR BASIS, YOUR BRAIN WILL REVERT TO A PRIMITIVE MAN-CHILD STATE AND YOU WILL RAMPAGE THROUGH THE STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO. IN ORDER TO KEEP THIS FROM HAPPENING—IF YOU WANT TO PLEASURE YOURSELF WITHOUT GETTING TASERED—I WILL REQUIRE YOU TO ANSWER MY RIDDLES.
For some reason, the electricity makes my saliva taste like ozone. I spit it out and glare at the computer. “Like in the Hobbit? How original.”
SPARE ME YOUR JUDGMENTS. THE FIRST ONE IS: I HAVE NO MUSCLE, YET I RULE TWO HEMISPHE—
“The human brain. Next.”
WE’RE FIVE LITTLE ITEMS OF AN EVERYDAY SORT; YOU’LL FIND US ALL IN ‘A TENNIS COU—’
WHAT IS THE BEGINNING OF ETERNITY, THE END OF TIME AND SPACE, THE BEGINNING OF EVERY END, AND THE END OF EVERY RACE?
“The letter ‘E,’ or death. Next.”
WHAT BELONGS TO YOU, BUT IS USED BY OTHERS?
And so it goes. All the while, the pressure in my pendulous testicles builds and roils, demanding release. In a few minutes, my body is shaking uncontrollably and completely covered in sweat. In between riddles, I gasp, “Grammar Nazi…how many of these damn questions do I have to answer? I can’t hold it much—”
HAHAHAHA! EXACTLY, MY DEAR MAN WHORE…EXACTLY. SOON, YOU WILL REVERT TO YOUR PRIMITIVE MAN-CHILD STATE AND RUN AMUCK THROUGH THE CITY. THE RIDDLES WERE ONLY A RUSE; THEY WERE MEANT TO DELAY YOU BY TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOUR PUNY, TRUSTING MIND.
Oh my God; if I run through the city all horned-up and ape-like, then I’ll never score another date with a soccer mom…EVER! This is beyond bad; this is disaster-movie fucked.
So I run up to my eReader and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Batman crashes through my window and throws a pair of thick-framed hipster glasses onto my face, lowering my testosterone by orders of magnitude. The rumbling within my genitalia calms and ceases. He gives me a steady look and growls, “Come on—let’s find Grammar Nazi Prime and make him rue the day.” Then he fires his bat-grapnel at the nearest ledge and zips away. I follow behind, using my giant prehensile Man Whore penis to swing from building to building, from tree to tree.
While we’re making our way through the night-darkened city, Batman casts a disgusted look at me as I follow behind with my unspeakably large dong.
He rasps, “You have the worst superpower ever.”
Has your urge to experience a somewhat socially acceptable release of pleasure-hormones been stymied by a sadistic Grammar Nazi who’s determined to engage you in a sick game of cat and mouse? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book