A LONG TIME AGO, IN A REALITY FAR, FAR AWAY…
Once upon a time, a beautiful princess gave birth to a pair of twins, and by the gleam in their eyes and the stink of their flatulence, she knew they would one day grow up to be raucous Man Children. One of them was raised to value all things noble and just, like squat racks and Batman. The other was kidnapped by demons, and raised to value popped collars and douche-bro lingo. He became a symbol of all that is inane, all that is asinine.
I am one of those Man Children. My name is Kent Wayne, and not a day goes by when I fail to careen wildly through life, whilst Bitefighter—my Best Bud and 10 lb. Terrier Extraordinaire—pokes up from my custom-modded doggy backpack and vanquishes our pursuers through various Cool Stuff like .50 caliber bullets, ninja stars, particle-beam weapons, and two-handed greatswords. When the sun comes up, I write about giant robots and future wizards. When dusk falls, I pleasure legions of soccer moms with my prodigious manhood, and they pay me in the finest currency the Earth has known: pizza and mountain dew.
I am the light. But my twin is a different story. After milking the music industry for all it was worth, he became a household name. You may know him as…
“YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS, JUSTIN!” I scream.
Bitefighter swoops in on the BiteWing—his teche-ed out doggy hang glider—and peppers Justin Bieber’s armor with a blazing hot salvo of turbolaser fire. The weaponized light carves giants divots into the surrounding earth, leaving blackened craters that stink of ozone. I swing my anaconda-like dong from side to side like a Kung Fu whip chain master, cracking the head of it off Justin Bieber’s Sauron-style armor, inflicting no damage whatsoever.
He plods mercilessly forward, and the surrounding vegetation browns and withers as it comes into contact with his pop-culture death-aura. I swing my cock wildly at his face and as it ricochets off his helmet, it screams in agony. I reel it in and cradle it in my arms. It speaks haltingly to me, gasping through its pee-slit.
“We…had…a good…run…didn’t we?” It tries to laugh but ends up coughing.
“Don’t leave me!” I sob, sinking to my knees. “Penis—you and Bitefighter are my only friends! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!”
Another series of dry, wrenching coughs. My heart lurches in my chest. “Don’t…worry,” it manages. “I’ll…go back…to my normal…14 inch…length. But…I…can no longer…be your…magical…sentient…friend.”
“AH GOD!” I bawl. “THIS WASN’T WORTH IT!” I turn my face up to the heavens. “THIS WASN’T WORTH IT!!!!”
Bieber looms over me, eclipsing the sun. The smoldering remains of San Francisco burn behind him, lighting the sky with a lurid red glow. The only visible features on his face are his unblinking eyes—they appear as deeply recessed crimson orbs, shining out from the darkness of his helmet.
He booms, “ANY LAST WORDS, KENT?”
And then it hits me: there’s still one option left. I reach into my pocket and click open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Suddenly I’m clutching a metal-ass guitar festooned with metal-ass skulls and metal-ass Metal. I strum my fingers across its strings, and a beastly power chord erupts from the instrument, warping the air with The Power of Metal. Justin stumbles back from the soul-stirring blast, bringing his arms up to protect his face.
“WHAT HERESY IS—”
Go-time, bitch! I start ripping and shredding, pummeling his swag-sucking face with guitar-borne badassery.
The Power of Metal heals my battered penis. It rears up into the air, yells a triumphant “WHOO!” and starts playing the strings right along with me. Bieber’s armor flies off in bits and chunks, and a portal into Hell opens behind him, pulling him in like a black-hole vortex. Now that his armor’s off, he reverts to his prepubescent voice and screams:
“DAMN YOU KENT WAYNE! DAMN YOOOOOOUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuu….”
And then he’s gone.
Whew! I hug my best buddies: Bitefighter and Penis. Though the day was long and the fighting harsh, your favorite author (and perennial Man Child) Kent Wayne manages to triumph once again! Huzzah!
Has your evil twin morphed into a pop-culture Sauron, and now threatens the lives of everyone you hold dear? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book