Mmmm…long night of being used like a cheap whore by a mob of soccer moms. Now I’m driving home with a giant smile on my face. Stuffed in my underoos is a mix of $1 bills and gift cards for pizza and mountain dew. I park my car, walk into my humble studio, and collapse onto the mattress. Sweet snoozles here I come! In a matter of seconds, I’m sawing logs.
I’m still awake…but I can’t move. A harsh light shines outside my window. A strange drone fill the air.
And then I see it.
A glowing, spinning saucer touches down in my front yard. A ramp extends from its bottom curve and a quartet of little gray men walk out. While I may not be in control of my gross motor functions, my parasympathetic nervous system knows exactly what’s happening; I start sweating like a pig, soaking through my blankets in a matter of seconds.
The four Grays enter my door and stand above me, staring down at me with their wide, unblinking eyes. Holy mother of Batman—I can hear them speaking, but they’re not moving their lips!
[We put a lot of work into this one. He was supposed to propagate zero-point technology, and move this ape-species on to the next level of hominid evolution. Now look at him.]
[Well maybe you should pay more attention next time!] one of them snaps. [What do you expect when you gave him a physique and persona that are perfectly calibrated to pleasure soccer moms??? Why the fuck did you make his genitals curve UP, you idiot??? You KNEW that he’d hit the spot every time—you knew that the demand for his hog would never cease!]
[Stop.] a third one commands. [We all know that human genegineering is a tricky endeavor under the best of circumstances. For now, let’s lower his testosterone by three hundred ng/dl, and let’s shrink his phallus by a couple feet. That ought to destroy his inclination to gallivant through legions of frustrated suburban mothers.]
[Yep—jam the personality transmogrifier into his squat-thickened ass.]
The one closest to me hooks his waxy gray fingers into my booty shorts and pulls them down. NO! NO, GODDAMMIT! Not only does butt-stuff start at $75k minimum, but I also happen to enjoy my soccer mom gallivanting! Fuck these little gray assholes!
Through sheer force of will, I break their psychic paralysis and swipe blindly at my night table. My eReader topples off its surface and drops on to the floor, opening to Echo and activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Agents Mulder and Scully bust into my apartment, spitting gangsta rap and beating the sweet fucking bejesus out of these little gray turds. The former FBI agents are festooned with scars and tattoos, and sport the cro-mag brows of long-time HGH users. By their ridiculous shoulder-to-waist ratios, they also appear to be on the highest quality, autoclave-cleaned German supplements. The alien Grays squeal and scream, helpless to stop the onslaught of haymakers and choke-slams. Seconds later, my apartment is decorated in giant smears of blue alien blood.
I’m no longer paralyzed. I pull up my booty shorts. “Jesus,” I stammer. “What happened to you two?”
“Got sick of getting pushed around,” Mulder grunts. “Started jacking some steel. Started working some kumites and MMA smokers. I’m not the pussy I used to be.”
“Neither am I,” Scully barks in a voice almost as deep as Mulder’s. She gives me a meaningful leer. “How about a date, handsome?”
“I don’t know…”
She looks like she could fist-fuck Brock Lesnar if he made the unbelievably stupid mistake of bowing up to her.
“$100. I’ll be gentle.”
I briefly consider it. Then: “Deal.”
*70s porn music*
Are you being hunted and experimented on by a bunch of little gray fucksticks? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book