I’m driving through the sticks, when I pass a sign that reads:
BUMFUCK. POPULATION: 84
Huh. Never knew “Bumfuck” was an actual city…always thought it was just a jokey reference that people used to—
Dammit—red-and-blue lights are flashing in my rearview. I pull over, but as the cop car gets closer, I hear something that sends a shiver of fear down my spine:
Instead of a traditional siren, the cop car is playing banjo music.
A sheriff emerges from the vehicle, a giant pair of ray-bans affixed to his mug. His fingers are hooked into his belt, and he approaches my car with a John Wayne swagger. He stops outside the driver’s side window, turns his head to the left, and squirts a long stream of chaw out from his lips.
“Hands where I can see ’em. Ten and two.”
“Yes sir.” I obediently place my hands on the steering wheel.
Like an idiot, I hand them over.
He stares at me for a long while, then asks, “You know why I stopped you?”
I shake my head.
“Because I’m not a real cop. I’m a caricature of one.”
I give him a puzzled look. “What?”
He unholsters a .44 magnum and twirls it like a cowboy. “This here’s Bess.” He moves the hand-cannon through the air in intricate loops. “And Bess wants butthole.”
“Bess wants…” My brow wrinkles. “What are you TALKING about?”
“You ever seen ‘Deliverance,’ boy?”
(Wait a second…)
He starts chuckling.
“Look, man,” I say. “There’s some weed and mushrooms in my trunk. Take it all. You can plunge into a fractalized world of untold bliss while undergoing neurogenesis and—”
He scoffs. “I ain’t no fuckin’ hippie, boy!”
“I’ve also got a tricked-out FN P-90. Red-dot holo, visible and invisible lasers, canted iron sights, and a customized—”
“Hot diggity!” he crows. “Stay right where you are, pussy!”
As soon as he walks to my trunk, I burst from the car and start running through the woods.
“HEY!” He yells. “GET YER ASS BACK HERE!” I flinch and duck as .44 slugs snap past my ears. A few yards to my left and my right, tree-bark explodes into splinters.
I chance a quick look back. The cop lets loose with a piercing whistle. Suddenly, piles of leaves begin bursting apart, revealing an army of leather-clad dudes dressed exactly like the Gimp in Pulp Fiction.
The sheriff yells, “CORNHOLE THAT MOTHERFUCKER! GIMPS…ATTAAAAAACKKKK!!!”
Mother of anus! I scrabble through the woods, careening off trees and jumping over stumps. The Gimps are hot on my trail, snarling and galloping like Smeagol in full-on Ring withdrawal. A second later, I twist my ankle in a leaf-covered gopher-hole. I limp-run over to the nearest tree and put my back against its length so I can protect my starfish. Out of sheer desperation, I grab a branch and wave it at the encroaching horde of Marsellus Wallace-violating craze-holes.
“Back, I say! BACK!” I wave the stick to and fro in frantic, forceful jerks.
They’ll be on me in a second. Butthole integrity must be maintained at all costs—only one option left.
I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The stutter of automatic weapons fire fills the air. A team of alpha soccer moms (where do they find the time to prep organic, nutrient-dense entrees for their kids, get their black belts in jiu-jitsu, AND run billion-dollar corporations? It’s always puzzled me) roar toward us on ATVs, kitted out in woodland tactical gear, cutting loose with an assortment of SOPMOD M4s and SCAR assault rifles. Leaves and twigs fragment and pop in miniature bursts of forest confetti. I’m covering my ears and screaming like a bitch.
One of the socccer moms streaks toward me on her ATV and slings me over her shoulder with a disgusted scoff.
“Jesus Christ, Kent—man the hell up. You’re lucky you have a nice ass and a huge dong—otherwise we’d leave you here for these Billy-bob fucks.”
And then they drive off and have their way with me.
I couldn’t ask for a happier ending. 😉
Have you accidentally driven 50 miles into the dark underbelly of Bumfuck? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book