I’m seated at a round table inside a SCIF (Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility) deep in the bowels of an unnamed location that—just like in SHIELD—is only accessible through a fake barbershop that shoots me through a series of tunnels and spits me out into a subterranean hive of Cool.
A high-ranking muckety-muck named Snerdsworth—he’s director of covert operations for an unnamed government agency—stares fixedly at me…and sighs.
“Jesus Christ, Kent. I know you’re not salaried, but would it kill you to show some respect?”
“What?” I scratch my pendulous nuts, adjust my bow tie (which, along with my booty shorts and flip-flops, is all I wear ’cos I’m a professional Man Whore) and throw another handful of Flaming Hots (oh my god—even the dust is heavenly!) into my face-hole. I enthusiastically crunch and munch, causing Cheeto crumbles to mist from my lips and scatter across the table. “I’m just eating.” (It comes out as: “I’m juf eafing.”)
Snerdsworth sighs again, and puts his forehead into the crook of his thumb and forefinger. “You’re an embarrassment, Kent. I know you’ve been hired on as a subject matter expert in extradimensional oddites, but your conduct is—”
I interrupt him with: “Sorry—it’s a sin to waste Flaming Hots.” I lower my mouth to the edge of the table and use my hands to slide cheeto crumbles from the table’s surface into my mouth. I chomp em down, suck the dust off my fingers, and sit up in my seat. “What were you saying?”
Snerdsworth’s face turns beet red. “That is IT!” He slams his WASPy fist onto the table and gestures at the guards, who’re trying not to laugh because people who’ve gone through shitty training develop a healthy appreciation for the ridiculous and absurd. “BEAT HIS ASS!”
The dude who he’s gestured to clears his throat, stifling a chuckle. “I’m sorry sir, I’ll need more than just your—”
I jump away from the table, yank my shorts down, and assume a third-world squat. “If someone lays a hand on me, I am going to drop a giant load of pepper-poop right into your precious SCIF.”
The guards start howling with laughter, while Snerdsworth shakes with rage. He sputters, trying to restore his composure so he can insult my ancestry or cast denigrations on my character, when an attractive female analyst bursts into the SCIF.
“An extradimensional war-lord has just invaded the eastern seaboard! He calls himself Reptar and he’s—” She looks at my bare ass, flexed above the alloyed deck like a loaded weapon. “Um…is this a bad time?”
I rise to my feet and pull up my shorts. “Nah. I was just showing these guys how to activate their glutes. Don’t worry about Reptar.” I reach into a compartment sewn into my booty shorts, withdraw my eReader, and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
I’m teleported into a Blackhawk helicopter that’s choppering through the air. When I look down, I see an army of lizard-warriors rising from the beaches and charging toward the statue of liberty. I wiggle into a quick-don harness and yell at the pilot:
“FLY OVER THE LIZARDS! DON’T STOP UNTIL THEY’RE ALL DEAD!”
He gives me a thumbs-up and I jump out of the helo, yanking off my shorts and throwing them into the wind. A second later, a shock runs through my body as the quick-don harness brakes my fall. I let loose with my weaponized asshole, deploying a brain-shriveling payload of Flaming Hot Cheetos poop. Down below, lizard-warriors start convulsing on the ground like they’ve just drunk liquid Sarin. My poop causes trees to wither and die, and the beach’s sand becomes charred and black, like that last stretch of Mordor that Frodo has to climb. As for me, I’m in sheer ecstasy—anyone who’s eaten too many Flaming Hots knows exactly what I’m talking about.
Flaming Hot Cheetos: no better friend, no worse enemy. 😉
Is your Flaming Hots-loaded ass the only hope humanity has for survival? Do you need to deploy it ASAP against an onslaught of lizard-warriors? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book