They’ve caught me and strung me up in the goddamn holo-deck.
Spock walks by and kicks me in the ribs.
“Oof!” I grunt.
Kirk is next—he slaps me across the face. Scotty spits on my forehead, and I have to squint and wink to get his gross phlegm out of my eyes. Nyota Uhura gives me a hard kiss and gropes my balls, then elbows me in the face three times and knees me in the nutsack.
“AH GOD IT HURTS!” I scream. “I’M SO CONFUSED!”
The others are giving her an odd look, and she responds with a shrug. “I know he’s a low-down Man Whore…but he’s too fine not to molest.”
“More…molesting,” I pant. “Less…punching. Less…elbows…too.”
Kirk raises a shaking finger and points it at my face. “Before you came along, every male entity onboard this ship had a chance to engage in consensual sex with a female being! And then you had sex with ALL of the females…their g-spots have been knocked irrevocably far back by your upcurved dong!”
I stare at him with my one good eye—the other one’s been swollen shut—and my lips widen into a bloody grin. Beet-red color crawls up his neck and floods his cheeks.
“You…YOU…NYAAAARGH!” He voices a scream of rage, balls up his fists, and charges at me.
Only one option left. I buck my hips and my eReader falls out of my Starfleet uniform. As it hits the ground it flops open to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A storm of Jedi materialize on the holo-deck, flipping and twisting like a bunch of sci-fi ninjas. The familiar PSSHHHH—VMMMMM of their lightsabers fills the air as they flit their incandescent blades into various guard positions.
Kirk screams, “PHASERS ON KILL!”
A storm of energy erupts from their stupid-looking dildo-pistols. The Jedis easily rebuff the attack, slicing through dork-ass Starfleeters like a hot knife through butter. I see Darth Maul extend a gloved hand toward Kirk, causing him to levitate three feet into the air.
Kirk looks wildly from side to side, pinwheeling his arms in panic.
“What are you—what the hell are you—no…NO!”
Kirk begins to bend forward, unable to resist the power of the Dark Side. A few seconds later, his head is by his crotch, and he’s screaming in absolute horror.
“AH GOD PLEASE DON’T—”
Darth Maul chuckles as he forces Kirk’s head into his butthole. I turn away in disgust, wincing like one of those mothers in eighties movies who have just witnessed unspeakable obscenity and have to turn away while hugging their babies close.
Maul rasps, “Get your head out of your ass.” He turns to the rest of us and points at Kirk’s horrendously contorted corpse with an extended thumb. “Heh heh heh…get it? ‘Get your head out of your ass.’ Heh heh heh!”
Even Darth Vader is taken aback. “Ah…yes. That is an amusing jest, Maul. But perhaps one head up the ass is enough—we want to cow these peons into submission, not unravel their very sanity.”
Maul shrugs. “Whatever.”
There’s a long awkward silence.
Then Obi Wan jumps into the middle of the room, flexing both arms down to his waist like a zealous football fan. “STAR WARS UNIVERSE RULES!”
A chorus of cheers erupt from the Jedi and I can’t help but smile.
You’re damn right it does. 😉
You know it, and I know it: Star Wars is better. And NO—I don’t consider the prequels that shan’t be named as part of Star Wars! Have you been accosted by a bunch of Starfleet douches? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book