If you didn’t already know, dolphins are motherfuckers. Nonconsensual sex, infant cannibalism, and killing for fun is all par for the course when you’re a dolphin.
My name is Krkrk Wnee and I’m a dolphin. I’m a member of the Waverider Pod.
[Look at these humans,] I telepathically beam to my buddy, Rkkk. [These fuckers always assume we’re so benevolent.]
A hundred yards ahead of us, we see a bunch of New Age fuckfaces getting off their boat and goggling at some Shark Maulers. If dolphin pods had human analogues, the Maulers would be like MS-13 on the same steroids they pumped into Bane.
Rkkk snorts. [Where do they get the idea that we’re friendly cartoon creatures? I had to hide all last week because it was Blood Rage 2017.]
Blood Rage is the dolphin version of The Purge. It’s a hideous storm of nonconsensual sex, accented by crazy-ass males trying to eat each others’ kids. Believe me, you haven’t seen shit unless you’ve had to defend your butthole from a gang of sex-crazed dolphins. Two facts that don’t help: we have prehensile penises, and most of us are giant bags of STDs. Yeah—it’s as bad as it sounds.
The humans have entered the water and are splashing around, giggling like a bunch of ass-eating morons.
[Poseidon’s balls] Rkkk mutters. [What the fuck do they think they’re doing? They think that just because we hate sharks more than them, that they’ll be spared from the cock of a horned up dolphin? What is WRONG with these idiots?]
[Too much patchouli] I reply. [The New Agers are better than the fishermen in that they’re not trying to eat us, but at least the fishermen are honest, you know? They’re trying to catch some food, and we get fucked in the process. Don’t get me wrong, I will fuck a fisherman up if one of those cunts gets within swimming distance, but I can respect that circle-of-life shit. But these goddamn New Agers…] I shake my snout in disbelief. [What a bunch of clueless dickbags.]
Rkkk looks a few degrees left. [Speaking of which…]
I see a gangly white dude with dreadlocks (of course) who’s wearing a bunch of stupid bead-necklaces (double of course) and flailing through the water with a doofy grin on his face, yelling, “Oh they’re so friendly! They’re so beautiful! Thank you Mother Gaia!”
Kill me now.
But that’s not what Rkkk is looking at. Five Maulers are closing in on this clueless douche-monkey, their weaponized dicks spinning in small circles like malevolent radar dishes. In the next few seconds, this dude is about to get a giant dose of venereal horror via nonconsensual sex with his face, butt, and nose (yep, I’m not proud to admit it, but we dolphins will fuck the living shit out of each other’s blowholes; it’s called nasal sexuality).
[Come on!] I transmit to Rkkk. [We need to help this idiot!]
Rkkk jets alongside me, and we head into the fray. Our pod leader wants us to break away from the darker side of dolphin-dom and encourage the propagation of rudimentary ethics. Accordingly, he’s assigned a few of us to the specific task of protecting human buttholes.
(We call ourselves the Butthole Defenders. Kinda catchy, right?)
[FUCK YOU, YOU EVIL FUCKS!] I charge into the Maulers’ midst. Me and Rkkk are quickly drawn into a brutal melee of bites and fin-blows. [TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!]
I snap some fucker’s fin between my teeth and he swims off crying. But we’re still outnumbered two to one, and in a matter of seconds, me and Rkkk find ourselves fighting for our goddamn lives.
“Look!” The human points at us and laughs. “They’re playing together! So beautiful!”
I want to break his stupid dreadlocked face in two, but I’m busy wrestling with these Mauler fucksticks.
Only one option left. I plunge my psyche into a future incarnation—I’ll be known as a prolific science fiction author named Kent Wayne—where I write a series called Echo which possesses the power to distort reality itself. Magic flash.
Aquaman rises from the depths of the ocean, riding some giant-ass whale. He shakes his trident at us and mentally screams, [YOU FUCKING DOLPHINS BETTER STOP RAPING AND PILLAGING! I FUCKING TOLD YOU ONCE ALREADY—THIS IS THE LAST TIME, ASSHOLES!]
Everyone scatters, reminding me of when we were junior dolphins and we’d just gotten caught getting hiiiiiigh (oh shit motha ducka it was fucking awesome!) as fuck off puffer fish secretions.
Once we’re a mile away, I turn to Rkkk. [Your butthole okay?]
He gives me a nod. [Yours?]
[Yeah. Starfish integrity is at 100%]
We clap fins and swim off. Chalk up another victory for the Butthole Defenders!
So yeah, it’s extremely unlikely…but say you’re born into a dolphin body, and you have to contend with a bunch of murderous, super-intelligent cetaceans that are intent on cannibalism, rape, and getting nucking futz high on puffer fish secretions. In that case, tap the magic powers of Echo! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book