“Ho, fellow adventurers!” Elido the level 12 fighter/mage heels his steed and meets us in the clearing. He nods at our fourteenth level cleric. “Extania.” Then at our eleventh level thief. “Mordi.”
He turns to me and gives me a long look.
“Say it,” I prompt.
“Kent, this is a role playing game. You can pick any name you want; why do you insist on being called—”
He sighs in defeat.
I start flexing up a storm, causing my load-bearing, centaur-leather bandoliers to squeak across my weather-hardened body. “Fear Fucklor, thirteenth level Cyborg Barbarian! Eat my python-like member, ye denizens of the—”
“There is no Kent—only Fucklor!”
Elido rubs his eyes with a thumb and forefinger. “Please Ke—Fucklor, I mean. Could we please just complete ONE QUEST without you mentioning your genitals?”
I huff indignantly. “Wouldst thou chastise a bear for shitting in the woods? Prithee, dorkling—a giant dong is a sign of great auspiciousness amongst us Indashi Barbarians. You can’t—”
“YOU MADE THAT UP!” Elido screams. “As soon as we were allowed to generate our own hero classes, your asinine mind gravitated toward a pornographic representation of masculine caricature! The whole time we’re trying to play the game, you’re talking about how long and thick your dick is, and how you need a +3 cock-holster to keep it from—”
“It’s also prehensile.”
“WHATEVER!” Elido’s face is now beet red. “YOU CAN’T KEEP MESSING UP OUR QUESTS WITH YOUR STUPID—”
And then a giant draco-lich stomps into the clearing and chomps him in half.
“HOLY SHIT!” Extania yells, diving left while unsheathing her Laifolic Mace (+7 against Chaotic Evil, + 3 against all other enemies).
The draco-lich snakes its bony neck forward, and breathes out a Cone of Plague, the undead equivalent to the cone of flame it once employed when it was a living dragon. A blast of miasmic green—I can see the wailing outlines of trapped souls within the withering discharge—erupts from its mouth and jets toward Mordi. He manages to avoid it, but just barely—his arms is caught in the 12d10 damage region and is instantly reduced to a charred, skeletal stick.
“AHHHH!!!” he screams. “GOD-FUCKING-DAMN THAT HURTS!”
No options left. I reach into my Bag of Holding and unfurl the magic scroll that contains the story of Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The level 50 enchantment that keeps my cock restrained to its normally demure, pringles-can-like dimensions (crafted by the great mage Fistandantilus) lifts from my crotch. Jags of eldritch lightning fork down from the sky, etching wondrous radiance into the air while supercharging my womb-hammer with otherworldly power. I raise my yoked-ass arms as I undergo a transformation that would make He-man of Eternia pee his pants in envy.
“FEAR FUCKLOR!” I roar.
My forty-foot cock rears back, trumpeting savagely from its monstrous pee-hole. It faces the draco-lich, who circles left and hisses menacingly. At this point, I’m simply a humanoid ornament for the end of my junk.
For a long moment, they simply stare at each other.
Then they charge.
The titanic beasts meet in the forest clearing, grappling for dominance like Sumo wrestler versions of Godzilla and King Kong. As a cyborg-barbarian, I’m a master in the penile arts, so I’m able to employ a series of E Honda-quick jabs with the head of my penis, disorienting the draco-lich, then I wrap it up in giant coils of dick. Its reptilian eyes widen in shock as it realizes it’s just been bested by a colossal pee-monster.
I employ my best Batman voice: “Who would in a fight—an undead dragon? Or my rampaging cock?”
As I squeeze down on my enemy, it screams in agony. The scream trails into a choking gasp as it breathes its lasts, then its body breaks apart in a scatter of dead scales and rotted bones.
“There’s your answer,” I rasp.
Has your uptight D&D party become sanctimoniously nerdy, and now needs your irreverent madness to come to the rescue? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book