SEVEN MILLION YEARS AGO…
My name is Kunt Wog. Admittedly, I didn’t win the lottery as far as names go, but I can’t complain; compared to the rest of my Sahelanthropus tchadensis (common ancestor of man and chimp) brethren, I’m a freakin’ genius. I’ve cobbled together a delicious beverage from fizzling spring water, and added various nectars to it. Sweet, bubbly, and delicious.
(I’m thinking of calling it Mountain Man Dew).
Anyways, my simian colleagues and I have recently begun to butt heads. They’re obsessed with eating bugs, mating rituals, mock wars, and other dominance hierarchy bullshit. I don’t go for that stuff; I’d much rather laze in the sun and—
Speak of the devil. Here come my chief harassers: UgNug and Glokflu. And it looks like they’re being trailed by a gang of their smaller proto-hominid minions.
UgNug throws a banana skin at me. “The fuck’s going on, you big frontal-lobed loser? What the piss are you doing all the way out here, instead of trying to climb the dominance hierarchy like a REAL Sahelanthropus tchadensis should?”
I pick the banana skin off my face and glare at UgNug. “For your information, I’m mentally assembling a structure of archetypes that will transcend both religion and science and allow our descendants to cohere into a Type IV civilization.”
Glokflu snorts and looks at his proto-hominid minions, all of whom offer up bursts of sniveling, servile laughter. “This guy,” he chuckles, glancing from side to side in that classic, mob-unifying way that all seasoned bullies master. “Fucking thinks he’s better than the rest of us ’cause he doesn’t sniff assholes or fuck like a rabbit.” He turns back to me and his expression darkens. “You think just because you can handle abstract thought and navigate complexity, that—”
“My penis is also incredibly large.”
“THAT’S BESIDES THE POINT!” Glokflu points at me with an angry, trembling index finger. “GORILLAS HAVE ONE INCH DICKS, AND THEY’RE STRONG AS HELL!”
He’s played right into my trap; I flop out my knee-length cock and slap it onto my palm—b’BAM—and give him a serene, unflappable smile.
“That’s all I have to say, acorn-dick.”
UgNug and Glokflu tilt their heads back and let loose with cries of rage. Their proto-minions—there’s like twenty of them—follow suit and beat their chests. A few seconds later, dozens of half-men are charging across the sun-splashed savannah, all intent on ripping my nuts off.
I scramble up and start sprinting away on all fours. Out of sheer desperation, I empty my bowels in an attempt to inconvenience them or create an obstacle or—I don’t fucking know! I’m about to get ripped into pieces, man!
Only one option left. I reach deep into my psyche, grabbing onto the story my descendant Kent Wayne will one day write—Echo—and activate its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Shadows emerge from the treeline ahead of us—it’s maybe like a mile away—and form into a giant army of super cool animals. A horde of enormous reptiles, super-sized bugs, and huge, predatory birds come charging at us. I let out a roar of triumph and run toward a mammoth, clambering onto its back using a quick series of flips and pulls.
Once I’m on, I scream, “COME JUNGLE FRIENDS! LET US ANNIHILATE THESE PROTO-BROS!”
We quickly smash through UgNug and Glokflu as well as their followers, mashing them into paste beneath our thundering paws, hooves, and talons. I rise to my feet and thrust my arms into the air, shrieking out my triumph with incoherent yells.
All hail the Monkey King Kunt Wog! Ook ook AWK!
Are you living life in the distant past, enjoying your time as a chill-ass proto-human? Are the other dominance hierarchy-fixated morons trying to harsh your mellow? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book