They’ve found me and brought me back.
To Adulting Academy.
Throughout my motley existence, your favorite indie author (and perennial Man Child) Kent Wayne has lived a carefree life, eating mounds o’ peecha and drinking gallons of mountain dew whilst being paid for his…services, shall we say, by lusty soccer moms. During that time, Adulting Academy has made multiple attempts to bring me back to their unholy dungeons, because they’ve never fully succeeded at installing their infernal Adulting programs into my Man Child brain.
Most adults’ minds—if you examine them from a psychic viewpoint—display busy hives of harried little professionals rotting away within an office building. They’re microcosms of the soul-deadened reality that awaits so many of us who inhabit the first world. My mind, however, is powered by a beast-ass hamster running on a hamster wheel. Mounted on his back is a tiny barbarian warrior who’s completely naked aside from a double-horned helmet and a tattered loincloth. He holds a frayed banner in his right hand, one that depicts a robotic skull and crossbones, and every so often, he hoists it in the air and gibbers like an ape.
It goes without saying that I don’t really belong at a 9-5.
Right now I’m engaged in Adulting Academy’s “Splish-splash test.” According to the Academy, the proper way to use a public bathroom is to ensure that your fellow stallmates hear no evil. Their position is that each dook must be completely silent, like you’re the equivalent of a special ops pooper. Audible farting, half-orgasmic sighing, and telltale splashes are considered instant failures. Even though I’m in an enclosed stall, I know that Academy instructors are listening through their fine-tuned boom mics, just WAITING to see if my sphincter control is so much as a decibel off-kilter.
I’m not really good at this—big surprise, I know.
Being a professional Man Child, I’m more geared towards hooting like a chimp and grinning like an idiot after executing a hilarious pratfall. But if I fail this test, I’m gonna spend a month watching Powerpoint presentations, which is about as pleasant as being lasered in the nuts by a fully operational Death Star. I’m not gonna go into the gross details, but I’ll give you the gist: my eyes are wide open, staring unblinkingly ahead. Micro-twitches run across my body as I use every ounce of focus to ensure that I don’t make a sound.
Hey, you know what? I think I got this! I think I can pull this off and—
My assessor’s voice blasts from the intercoms: “KENT WAYNE! YOU HAVE FAILED THIS TEST! PREPARE TO BE JUDGED! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
Odin’s ballsack! My stall door bursts open and the Academy’s black-clad enforcers burst in, hooking my arms and dragging me out.
“NO!” I scream. “PLEASE! I CAN’T HANDLE ANY MORE POWERPOINTS!!!”
But they remain silent behind their featureless masks. Only one option left: I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Bitefighter—my loyal buddy and 10 lb. Terrier Extraordinaire—comes zooming in on a techno-enhanced, Radio Flyer red wagon, kinda like the one I had as a kid. This one, however, is fitted with clean-burn jets, a hard-light windshield, and a dazzling array of touch-intuitive, interactive holographics. He’s also wearing a cape and doggles.
As my captors stumble back in shock, Bitefighter frantically beckons me onto the wagon. I hop in, and barely keep from tumbling out as we zoom wildly through the Academy’s corridors. He meets my eyes in one of the rearview mirrors, and I see dancing telemetry and whizzing scenery reflect off his doggles.
His lips peel back and he utters four words: “Arf rowf mcbark arfaroo.” My gut lurches—I understand Dog; I know we’re in for a ride. You know what he just said?
Hold on to something.
And then he reaches down and punches an adamantium throttle fully forward. Wind rips through my hair as we accelerate to three hundred MPH. We’re rushing toward a wall and I’m certain that in less than a second, it’s going to be coated in Man Child and Terrier.
“BITEFIGHTER! WE’RE ABOUT TO HIT THE FUCKING—”
His tiny furry paw dances between switches. Twin ion-repeaters unfold from the wagon’s front and blast apart the oncoming wall. We rocket through a haze of fiery debris, and once we’re clear, thruster-lined wings spring out from the wagon’s sides. Bitefighter pulls back on the steering column and we take to the skies, making our escape into the clear sunny blue.
As clouds pass us by, I can’t help but raise both arms in triumph.
Nothing beats a harrowing escape from Adulting Academy! 😀
Have you been imprisoned by the evil forces of Adulting Academy, and are trying to protect your immortal soul from the unspeakable horrors of table manners and Powerpoint? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book