I have spent a life as Kent Wayne, but I have been reborn as Or’Goth—Barbarian leader of the Kai’Rikto Tribe.
Today, I am galloping across the plains with my Fight Brother: Roktor. We both sit astride war-trained velociraptors, gifts from when we graduated the Forge, the warrior academy where all Barbarians train. We’ve just killed a leoptrix and packed out the meat. We’re heading home, looking forward to feeding our friends and family. Nothing better than a sizzling leoptrix steak.
Roktor’s mount leaps over a bleached skeleton, one that looks like it belonged to a horned cat. A small grunt escapes his gnarled lips.
“Or’Goth, who do you think would win in a fight? A cyborg Dracula, or a Voltron made of sharks?”
I guide my mount around a sinkhole. My brow wrinkles as I consider his question. “An astute query, Roktor. How did you even think to ask it?”
He turns to me and grins. “I have read many stone tablets, Or’Goth. The hamster in my skull requires nourishment.”
I nod staunchly. “You speak true, Fight Brother. Feeding the hamster is of utmost importance.” (We Kai’Rikto Barbarians believe that our intellect is powered by a busy hamster that resides in our skulls. As it scurries continuously over its rat-bone playwheel, it creates the energy needed to power our minds.)
He strokes his coarse-haired beard with a massive set of fingers. “I have also deduced how to usher in the next Golden Age, as well as foster eternal peace across the warring realms. The solutions lies in something called a ‘zero-point engine,’ a mix of magic and machine that will—”
Suddenly, five dildo-arrows zip into his face, thunking mercilessly into his eyes, ears, and mouth. My friend turns his sightless, penis-filled eyes toward me. The tips of the arrows quiver grotesquely from the impact. He croaks something unintelligible as blood from his wounds fills the wrinkled scrotums that dangle from the missiles.
And then he tumbles off his mount.
“ROKTOR!” I wheel my velociraptor around, then dive off it as it’s riddled with dildos. It too, suffers death by penis. As I tumble across the ground, I spot a giant purple dick slice through the air and decapitate Roktor’s mount. It takes two faltering steps, then collapses to the earth. Blood spurts from its ragged neck-stump.
I unsling my war-club and whirl through the air, deflecting a veritable storm of sharpened cock. When my feet touch the ground, dozens of veiny dicks quiver violently in my club, causing unpleasant vibrations to needle my fingers.
My attackers emerge from the shadows, bows drawn.
“Your time has come, Or’Goth,” the lead one sneers. “You’ve broken enough hearts with your rugged good looks, and you’ve moved enough g-spots with your diamond-hard, upcurved cock.”
One of them screams, “I haven’t been able to get off in six months! Damn your banana-shaped member!”
I try to reason with them: “Whoa ladies…let’s not do anything—”
But it’s too late. The twangs of bows fill the air, and mushroom-tipped death comes rocketing at me. I’m batting cocks away; back-flipping, somersaulting, barrel-rolling…but there’s too many, Crom dammit!
I catch one between my buttcheeks and flex, breaking it before it can penetrate my starfish (ha HA! Thank you squats!). I raise my head from the crouch I’ve just landed in, and see hundreds of cocks arrowing towards me.
No options left. I reach in my satchel and flip open a scroll. It contains my current story-in-progress—Echo—and possesses reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The tuft of pit-hair under my right arm begins to thicken, bushing out into a giant ’fro. The hairs start dripping with green slime, congealing together into…
“LOOK OUT!” one of my Exes yells. “HE’S GIVING BIRTH TO A CHEESE CREATURE!”
A slick, basketball-sized lump drops from my armpit. It’s colored gangrenous yellow, and emanates visible stink lines. Bulging tumors erupt from its surface, and in a matter of seconds, it’s grown four legs and a long tail. Now it looks like a four-foot long, faceless lizard.
It raises its eyeless head and screams, “CA-CAW!”
My Exes douse it in a torrent of dildo-arrows, eliciting an angry screech from its disgusting lips. It’s soft, stinky hide is now riddled with dozens of penises, but they don’t slow it down; it scrabbles toward my Exes in a side-to-side shuffle, much like an enraged Komodo Dragon. One by one, my Exes become paralyzed by its unbelievably bad BO, wailing in horror as they’re devoured alive.
Whew! Who would have thought that I would have ever been saved by an armpit-born cheese creature!
Are you being hunted by vengeful exes who are intent on riddling your flesh with super-lethal dildo arrows? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book