The last thing I remember is a helmet coming down over my head. Was that a dream or…
Never mind! I’m ten years old again, and I’m about to get my Trick or Treat on!
I’m skipping through the streets, dressed as a Batman-faced Voltron that’s made of dinosaurs. Gonna get me some candy! NOMS! (Reese’s are the best—only heathens say different!).
As I walk up to my first house, I’m nearly overwhelmed by the stench of patchouli.
I ring the bell, and a dreadlocked hippie answers the door. I catch the unmistakable scent of shitty weed.
“Hey little fella! We’ve got just the thing for you!”
He throws a handful of incense, crystals, and psychedelic stickers into my pumpkin basket. Before I can protest, he slams the door in my face.
Oh well, maybe the next house will be better. I walk up to a one story rambler and ring the bell. A loud voice screams, “JUST A SECOND!” Then: “KEEP PUSHING! KEEP PUSHING!!! AAAARGGH!!!” I hear bumper plates slamming the floor. A minute later, I hear someone muttering and cursing. Judging from the accompanying squeaks, it sounds like they’re dragging themselves across a hardwood floor.
The door opens and I find myself staring at a Crossfit Bro. His legs are splayed across the ground, and he’s hanging onto the doorknob for balance.
“Sorry man,” he gasps. “Got a new PR, but I also just crippled myself for life. It was worth it.” He wipes sweat from his brow, then opens his fanny pack and withdraws a plastic baggy. It’s filled with baked veggies, hardboiled eggs, and dehydrated meat. He chucks the food into my pumpkin basket and blurts, “Stay Paleo!” before slamming the door in my face.
Maybe the next one will have some GOD DAMN CANDY! I walk up to the third house and ring the bell. The door flies open and I glimpse a blur of steel. I scream like a bitch as a razor-sharp katana stops an inch from my face.
My eyes focus past the sword and I see that it’s wielded by Steven Seagal. It’s nighttime, but he’s got sunglasses on. The only piece of clothing he has on is a tight-fitting fundoshi (the underwear that sumo wrestlers wear)
“Domo arigato,” he rasps. A slight pause, then: “That means ‘hello.’ ”
“I’m pretty sure it doesn’t,” I venture. “I think it means ‘Thank you,’ ”
Steven Seagal performs chiburi (when samurais flick their swords to remove the blood) with his katana, and slides it into a sheath tied to his undies. He regards me for a long, awkward moment.
Finally, he says: “You’re a smart one. I like you. I’m gonna give you something worth billions of dollars. Stay right here.”
He turns and walks into his house. I’m tempted to run, but BILLIONS? Curiosity gets the better of me—I gotta find out what he’s talking about.
He returns with a small plastic cup with a white screw-on lid. He holds it up to the light, appraising it as if it was some kind of magic artifact. Eventually, he meets my gaze.
“Know what this is?”
I shake my head.
“It’s made to catch sperm.”
“It’s about to catch MY sperm.”
“Mr. Seagal, that’s really not necessa—”
“You’ll be able to sell each of my sperm for twenty thousand dollars. If you decide not to, they’ll grow into level 20 ninjas. ”
“I have enough money. I don’t need to—“
“Watch how I do this. I’m not going to waste a single drop; I’m a black-ops marksman.”
“This is happening. Right now.”
He begins untying his fundoshi. Without thinking, I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The scientist lifts the virtual reality helmet off my face, and I look down at my legs. I’m no longer ten years old; I’m back in my full-grown Man Child body.
“So what do you think, Kent?” the scientists asks. “That’s our newest nightmare-realm simulation! The perfect Halloween prank!”
I give him a long look, torn between punching him in the face and high-fiving him (because that WAS a good prank). Finally, I shake my head in disbelief.
“You guys are sick fucks.”
Are you trapped in a hellish nightmare where you’re forever denied the sweet, orgasmic mouth pleasure of a perfect bite of Reese’s? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book