The year is 3598. I’m on the temperate planet of Gliese 832 c, putzing through their award-winning Earth museum. I wave hello to a few Grays who I’ve seen playing hyperball next to my zero-grav neighborhood. The tour guide says to my group: “And here we have a one Taylor Swift: a singer who sold her soul to the demon pit-fiend Molloch, and is now imprisoned by cutting edge Enochian sigils.” I glance over to the glass cage she’s pointing towards. It’s lined with glowing arcane scrawl, and in its center is a beautiful young woman in her twenties, crouched on all fours and biting the head off a baby rabbit. The crowd makes an impressive “ooooh,” and we keep walking. Next we stop at a vast pit lined with mummified corpses. “Here we have the ex-girlfriends and wives of one Kent Wayne, an Earthling author who not only revolutionized literature as we know it, but according to anecdotal evidence, also saved humanity on multiple occasions from threats such as the Grammar Nazi Cabal, the Douchebro Alliance, as well as various forms of evil robots and insectoids.” Another “Ooooh.” I stare at rows upon rows of mummies, and my vision starts blurring. I hear a sibiliant whisper: “Kent. Keeeeent…..” I grab my skull as a wave of nausea washes over me. “Kent…it doesn’t matter that you’ve reincarnated 1400 years into the future…we will still have our revenge.” Suddenly, the mummies begin quivering. Their bandages fly off in violent twists, and all my exes from my past life as Kent Wayne burst forth from their trappings and begin scrabbling up the sides of the pit. Everyone’s screaming, guards are running to the scene and firing at the undead with turbo laser rifles but to no avail; the desiccated corpses of my exes shrug off the weaponized light and start eviscerating the brave guards before my eyes. They quickly pile on me, giggling and shrieking. One of them screams, “GET THE GARY!” Before I know it, a 1400 year old Gary Busey is wheelchaired up to me. His face is locked in a permanent droop to the left, and his formerly pink skin is all but covered in liver spots and moles. An ex yells, “Do it Gary! All over his face, neck and chest!” Busey moans an affirmative “Muuuuuuhhh…” and much to my horror, unzips his fly, and starts pleasuring his ancient member right over my forehead with his right hand. The ex that’s holding my arms down leers at me and says, “Everyone dies in flames after being hit by a load from the grodiest man that ever existed. Prepare to spend the rest of your days in an urn, Kent!” Upon hearing this I start bucking and thrashing. “No! NOOOO! YOU EVIL HELLSPAWN! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!” Somehow I rip an arm free and reach into my pocket for my holo-reader, and open it to Echo. Magic flash. A spark of recognition lights in Gary’s expression and in perfect Standard, he mutters, “This isn’t right.” He lifts his head up, now looking as revitalized as Theoden King after Gandalf freed him from Wormtongue, and locks eyes with my undead exes. “THIS ISN’T RIGHT!” Then he unleashes the evil, stinky load that had been meant for me onto my undead assailants. They instantly burst into flames, and begin running through the museum wailing in agony. When I’m free and safe, Gary points his junk up at his own face. I say, “No Gary! They were monsters, but there’s still hope for you! We can—” He cuts me off with a somber shake of his head and whispers, “We’re all monsters, Kent.” Then he gives his dong a final tug, unleashes his gross-ass DNA all over his own face, and goes up in flames. Dark Knight save us!
Have your exes pinned you down and are threatening you with a hellish substance that puts hydrochloric acid to shame? Don’t worry; Echo will set things right. Right now I’m in the middle of reworking Echo 1, trying to get all my noob mistakes out. If you refrain from buying it due to my amateurish writing style, a product of my first ventures into fiction, then I totally understand, and I’ll announce when I re-upload an updated version. If you buy it anyways, then many thanks! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle