For the past several months, mountain ranges have been disappearing, one after the other. Well not so much disappearing as being reduced to shards of cracked, fragmented rock. Geologists have been working 24/7 to try and figure out what the hell is going on, and a general mood of fear has descended upon the international populace. I’ve been tapped to accompany one of the field research teams to try and ascertain the nature of this unnerving destruction. No one has yet seen a mountain range disappear; they’ve only observed its shattered remains. Currently, my chopper is buzzing in low as I sweep through a desolate patch of uninhabited Antarctic. Suddenly, we see a mountain collapsing in on itself, accompanied by cries of, “You like that? YOU LIKE THAT??? Take it! Take it you dirty, filthy—AAAAAAOOOOHHHGAAAAAWDD!!!!” The pilot and I exchange looks, and he guides us in toward the collapsing storm of rock. We radio check with command, making sure they know where we’re at, just in case we require emergency response, or—worst case scenario—we die here and they need to figure out what happened. After our skids touch the ground, some two hundred yards away from ground zero, we get out of the chopper and begin cautiously making our way forward. What I see next sends a coil of shock racing up my spine. Superman finishes hitching up his tights, then drops to the ground in a fetal position, sobbing like a newborn. I walk up and say, “Kal? Kal is that you?” He stops sobbing and clambers to his feet, wiping his nose with the back of his wrists. “I’m sorry,” he honks. “I…” he looks behind him at the pile of shattered rock, then back at me, a haunting mix of pain, grief, and futility blazing through his eyes. “It’s Lois,” he moans. “When I’m with her, there’s no way I can enjoy myself. So I take it out on the mountains. Without going into detail, let’s just say that I have to restrain myself from blowing her vertebrae through her back, or her heart through the top of the skull, depending on the angle we’re—” I hold up a hand and cut him off. “I get it, I get it. What about Diana? She could withstand your superpowered load, couldn’t she?” He looks at the ground. “I can’t be unfaithful to Lois. But I also can’t keep going on this way. I have to meditate for an entire month in order to hold back from rearranging her insides every time I sling yogurt and—” I make a face. “Keep the details to yourself bro; I’m trying to maintain a positive outlook on sex.” Suddenly, I have an idea: Perhaps—like in all my ads—my eReader can provide a solution. I open it to Echo. Magic flash. A glowing length of wrapped pee-pee protectors appears in my hand. I let them unfold and Lo! Red sun radiation-infused condoms! (For those of you who aren’t lifelong Superman scholars like I am, red sun radiation robs superman of his powers without harming him, unlike Kryptonite). I toss them over to Supes, who catches them with an astonished look on his face. I wink and say, “Wrapped in lead foil, so they don’t mess with you until you’re ready to put on some sweet Isaac Haayes and get down to bid’ness.” His face changes, adopting an expression of pure gratitude. “Thank you Kent! The house of El will watch over you, now and forever!” He dips in place, then launches into the stratosphere, screaming in joy. As he flits away, I catch a glimpse of him peeling off his pants, whirling them above his head, and chucking them forcefully to his left. Damn—dude couldn’t even keep his tights on until he could give Lois the good news.
If you’re faced with a sexually frustrated super-being that could conceivably reduce the world to rubble through a single wet dream, make sure you figure out a way for him to relieve himself…WITHOUT engulfing the world in nuclear fire. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle