I’m nodding along in my finance class, listening to the drone of the mild-mannered professor; he’s babbling something about asset-to-debt ratios, Keynes vs. Say, blah-blah-blah…I look around and see most of the students nodding along with him and in my daydreamy vision I see them morphing into hunched over Gollums. The professor has become one too. He’s chanting “Gimme gimme gimme!” And the students chant back, “Grabbies grabbies grabbies! Greed is good!” I try to blink their ghastly images away but it doesn’t work, and I realize that THIS is their true form. Horror coils through me. I rise quietly, intending to make my exit, but the professor hisses, “Sit down Kent. We haven’t gotten to the section about how to leverage money into souls, as well as the best part—how to properly grill and serve up hopes and dreams.” I stutter, “Well, I’m not really interested in eating hopes and dreams—” and that’s when he flings his hand up and a trio of pencils come flying at my face. WHATTHEHOOZIS! I duck the missiles and make for the door. The Gollum-professor screams, “SEIZE HIM! PROFESSOR KORTHANK ORDERS YOU TO SEIZE THE TRANSGRESSOR!” (Wow—Ming the Merciless vernacular combined with third-person reference to self…always knew accounting professors were nuckin’ futz). The students rise in a unified wave, hissing and spitting their hate at me as they launch a barrage of paperclips, staples, and Faber #2s in my general direction. Luckily, accounting has sapped these nerds of any muscle mass or athletic ability, so I endure no damage whatsoever. But then they start hemming me in, grabbing at my limbs, and I know I’m in trouble. I throw my head back and scream, “PALAMEDES PUBLISHING!!!” A giant bag of protein powder sails through the air. As it hangs at the apex of its trajectory, a Batarang slices into it. A red light on the ‘rang blinks once, then the thing detonates, spraying protein across the room in a burst of fine particulate. The Gollums stop in their tracks, looking puzzled at the film of protein that covers their bodies. One of them hisses, “What is—” before he can finish the sentence another one yells, “IT’S NERD-BANE!” They fall to the ground and starts writhing in agony. I make my escape, laughing under my breath. “Nerd-bane”—that’s priceless.
The key to fighting greedy corporate types is to confront them when they’re in college—before their power has matured and they’ve had a chance to hone themselves into yacht-riding coke vacuums. Palamedes Publishing. Check out their poetry here: Machu Picchu Me They will soon offer Echo Volume 1 in paperback. For now, get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle