I’ve served as an Imperial Stormtrooper for three years, but today is my first day on the job in Lord Vader’s retinue. Right now he’s Force-choking me. I’m clutching at my neck, my toes twitching spastically in the air as he demands, “I ordered a venti soy quadruple shot latte with no foam. That’s FOUR shots, not three! WHERE’S THE FOURTH SHOT OF ESPRESSO???” Great, I think. My life is about to end because I had the bad fortune to serve a coffee snob who happens to be well-versed in psychic combat. He takes a few menacing steps closer, his fingers held out in that stupid, trynna-measure-my-stunted-evil-dick gesture, and hisses, “Any last words?” I croak, “Just…two.” I gather what strength I have left, throw my head back and scream, “PALAMEDES PUBLISHING!” The lights fritz, and suddenly Yoda instantiates between me and Vader in a cloud of glowing smoke. The Jedi jumps up, legs scissoring away from each other as if he was doing a Superman punch, and pokes Vader in his optics with a walking stick. Vader staggers back, clutching his eyepiece. Before he can recover, more Yodas appear. One headbutts Vader in the nuts, to which the Dark Lord crows laughter. “Nothing there!” he declares triumphantly. A Yoda behind him spins, whirls, then stabs Vader up the pooper with his stick, his other hand flaring out like a Kung-Fu fighter. Vader clutches at the air and screams, “NOOOOOOO!!!” (Just like at the end of that third shitty prequel). Pimp-slaps, eye pokes, and capes-over-the head follow, causing Vader to stumble about and swear, his cape shrouding his vision while a giant stick protrudes from the holiest of holies. I’m laughing, the Yodas are laughing. Eventually I make my way to an escape pod and launch towards Dantooine. I link up with some rebels and join the resistance. Being a Stormtrooper sucks balls.
Suffer no coffee snob. Two sugars and cream—that’s it; anything more is unacceptable. Oh and if you happen to see a Sith Lord while you get your coffee, throw him a little sodomy. Palamedes publishing: Check out their revolutionary Responsive Books software here: Responsive Books. Check out their short stories here: A Gathering Darkness They will soon offer Echo Volume 1 in paperback. For now, get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle