I’m stepping through the woods, getting my fill of sunlight spearing through trees overhead, when I hear: “NOW’S OUR CHANCE! GET HIM!!!” Just like in a scene from outta Aliens, metrosexuals come charging at me from all directions. What the hell!!! Metrosexuals are supposed to dissolve when they make contact with nature! Before I can scamper up the tree closest to me, an impeccably manicured set of fingers locks onto my wrist and throws me to the ground. My clothes fly off and the waxing strips come out. I’m quickly coated in them, and one by one: rrrrRRRIIIIPPPP NONONOAHGODWHYITHUUUUURRTSS! Sobbing, I turn trembling lips up the sky and scream, “PALAMADES PUBLISHING!” Magic flash. Chuck Norris descends from the sky, riding a lightning bolt like a surfboard. He takes one look at my pink, hairless body, and his face twists in disgust. He looks at the metros and screams, “you MONSTERS!” Then he rips open his denim jacket, revealing a dense, multi-ecosystem layer of chest hair, and flexes. Hairs fly off his body and attack the metros. All around me, the closest human thing to anime begin wailing and howling as Lone Wolf Mcquade strangles, cuts, and shreds these smooth-formed fools via a swarm of telekinetically controlled body shag.
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