I’m driving down the highway, singing along with Bea Miller under my breath (Don’t judge!) when suddenly, I see a fleet of SUVs appear in my rearview. I reach up and adjust the mirror, my brow wrinkling in suspicious puzzlement. They zoom up to me—holy balls there’s dozens of them—and I hear a megaphonic voice boom across the lanes: “KENT WAYNE. THIS IS THE PTA PRIME—THE LARGEST AND DEADLIEST PTA TO EVER EXIST. WE ARE SICK OF YOU INSULTING THE SUBURBAN LIFESTYLE; THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH SUPPRESSING ONE’S SELF-EXPRESSION AND STEWING IN QUIET DESPERATION. YOUR DOOM IS NIGH.” I hear a squelchy click as the megaphone cuts off. Suddenly the SUVs blow their tops off in blasts of compressed gas. Some of them sprout spikes, some of them raise into the air, their suspensions pushing them upwards, and some of them link up and form into a mega-SUV that’s roughly the size of a car-carrying trailer. Prim moms in bright yet demure clothing and dads in collared shirts pop out of windows, their faces twisted into savage sneers. In their hands are an assortment of spears and assault rifles, just like in Mad Max: Fury Road. In sheer panic, I floor the gas, revving ahead, but the PTA Prime is gaining on me. I open my eReader to Echo. Magic flash. The back of my jeep blows off, and I see the Dark Knight in my newly-uncovered trunk space. He takes his place behind something that looks like a cannon. Over the screaming wind I yell, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” He replies in a man-crush-worthy growl: “Distracting them.” He leans back and presses the cannon’s butterfly trigger. Its mouth belches out an arcing rain of gift cards from the Container Store, Pier One, as well as an assortment of neatly folded brochures that advertise time-shares. In my rear view, I see the Mad Max vehicles spin out and crash. Rabid parents leap from the burning cars, clutching greedily at the yuppie bounty. The Dark Knight turns and looks at me in the rearview, gives me a thumbs up, then shoots his grapnel towards the sky and hitches onto a bat-glider. He makes his exit in a rippling flutter of darkened cape. So cool!
According to Science, the PTA Prime poses a greater threat than the combined forces of terrorism, climate change, nuclear winter, and the Death Star. Make sure you’re properly equipped for their unending fury. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle